Rant, shmant…Cell Phones. WTF? Week 11

As you see, the parents are not paying attention to the kinder (child)
As you see, the parents are not paying attention to the kinder (child)

 

Cell phone courtesy: Please turn ‘em off – therapy is in session

Answer: 60 to 125 times a day

Question: On average, how many times do we check our cell phones each day?

So, I ask you, are you average, above average? Stellar perhaps? Just how tethered are you? Can you give it up? Would you? I have to admit, mine goes everywhere with me. Apple had me at, “iHello.” And to be honest (we are in therapy after all) the phone is my least favorite feature. It’s that dreamy camera—the ability to capture my kinder (kids) in every escapade imaginable. Kodak moments? Not so much (who prints when we can swipe?). Between the Mrs. and me, we record every waking moment of our lives with Little and Big. Second children no longer have to grow up unnoticed (and needing therapy); Little is in just as many pictures as Big.

please watch this short video…my mishpocheh (family) in action. That Kenny, he’s got the making of a star! Nu? Thank you to my nephew, Max-a-lah,  for making such a video!

What on earth did we all talk about before everyone on the planet got a smart phone? I vaguely recall long, lovely, limitless, uninterrupted time to myself. I walked the dogs (furry first children) and was totally one with them in nature. I could run to the store and pick up a script without a care. I actually peed without bringing a phone in the bathroom. The Mrs. and I, we schmoozed (chatted) about everything, snuggling on the sofa watching Olivia Benson kicking some major butt!

There were no electronic farts, noises, beeps, or music telling me about a new email, a tweet, a status update, a news alert, or a lightening strike within my immediate proximity. I was not instantaneously answerable to anyone. I think I was still okay? I managed to meet with friends and family and not call if someone was 10 seconds late (of course, I’m Jewish, so I imagined them dead by the curb, or on a respirator in the hospital, but which hospital? Oy). I knew how to dress for the weather because I walked out the front door to check. I was up to date on the news and current events; I definitely held my own during many a ‘water cooler’ conversation. My landline rang and I let the answering machine get it. Yes, I was a proud screener.

I’m positive we talked more before smart phones. I used to take time out of my day to write letters and send cards to people for special occasions. Now, I can text or instant message birthday wishes, Mazel Tov’s or even my deepest sympathies. Why even say how I feel? There is an amazing array of emoticons for every expression. Feelings? Feh!

Oh Siri, how I love and hate you so… Like Google on crack, so many answers you have? This techno age is meshuggeneh (crazy). Being connected is so easy, yet I look around at restaurants, on the train, even walking, and everyone is looking at his or her phones. Talking to each other? Not so much.

Was life better before? Is life better now? I don’t know. I do know life is faster now. Yet, somehow, it’s a lot easier to feel disconnected, being so connected. It’s a shonda (a shame). WTF?

 

Follow my blog with Bloglovin or right here, where you are, on WordPress!

#BloggerPitStop you rock!
#Blogger’sPitStop you rock!
linky 4-1-16 #FabFridayPost Linky #24
linky 4-1-16 #FabFridayPost Linky #24

Versatile Blogger Award

versatile-blogger-award

Today is a fabulous Monday for so many reasons. I will list them, because after all, it’s Monday, and who ever likes them anyway?

  • Today, I earned the Versatile Blogger Award from Mliae over at the amazing lifeexperimentblog. Check it out! Mliae is awesome, honest, authentic, and creative! TY Mliae! A great big ‘Mwah’ coming your way! This award is so special because it’s about recognition from fellow bloggers….Being such a newbie, I’m kvelling (so proud)!
  • Today, Monday is Friday because tomorrow, we leave to visit my Shvester (sister) and almost the whole mishpocheh (family, we’ll see Steve, Max and Vic)! Benny, we’ll miss you! We are headed to the only place on earth where having a mouse in the house is a priority! DISNEY! Little and Big have far surpassed excited!
  • #Syracuse made it to the FINAL FOUR! March Madness? March Nachas (goodness)!

Basics: Tell you 7 things that you don’t know about me already (therapy, here we go  again…)

  1. The Mrs. and me, we both have Jetta’s (her’s is nicer than mine, mine is cleaner than her’s–but to be fair, she schleps (drives) Little and Big all over creation customarily)
  2. I love hot, humid weather, and I despise being cold. I have 4 layers on now as I type–no joke
  3. Having der kinder (children) has made me more aware of my own mortality
  4. I love sushi
  5. and Chocolate Chip Mint ice cream
  6. Ellen Degeneres is my hero
  7. I so miss having unconditional, loving, dog energy around me

My Nominations:

Now, off to la la land, where I will dream of the coronation, the jeans and Dansko’s I’ll wear… Mliae, you rock! Thanks dear blogger friend!

 

Follow my blog with Bloglovin or right here, where you are, on WordPress!

 

Rant, shmant…what to do about litter? Week 10

It's not like there is another planet we can go to
It’s not like there is another planet we can go to

Shhhhhh. She’s in therapy again. Help her.

Today at lunch I walked around and could not believe the dreck (crap, trash) I found

Just a little jaunt to breathe fresh air; feel the sun on my back and the wind in my hair

For spring had landed in Philadelphia – I wanted to stroll; feel a bit healthia’

The neighborhood, a very desirable place, had so much trash, it was a disgrace

I won’t belabor or beat this dead horse; rather let me show you as a matter of course:

whoever did this, shlepped (carried) it along lonng enough to drink it all
Shlepped (carried) it along long enough to drink it all, you nogoodnik!
You mean you can add littering to your bad choices?
Wonderful, add littering to your bad choices!
Recycling, not much?
Recycling, not so much. Kish mir en tuchis (kiss my ass butt)!
Sucha big macher (big shot) you are, Mr. Cigar. Such chazzerai (garbage, pig slop)
Such a big macher (big shot) you are, Mr. Cigar. Tidy, you are not.
May all your teeth fall out, except one, so that you can have a toothache.
Such schmutzik (filth) everywhere?
First, you eat bread made from yoga mats, now you do this? Feh!
Eat bread made from yoga mats, then you litter? Feh!
A shonda (shame) to toss a childs toy aside
A shonda (shame) to toss a toy aside, like chazzerai (pig slop)

Such a mess, this is tantamount to; people, I gotta’ ask? Who raised you?

Please all you folks who live out there, teach der kinder (the kids) well, make them aware.

 

Follow my blog with Bloglovin, or right here on WordPress! 

 

linky 3-25-16 #FabFridayPost Linky #24
linky 3-25-16 #FabFridayPost Linky #24

The Two Squabbling Shvesters (Sisters)

image

Once upon a time, you see

Lived two little madelahs (girls), the Mrs. and me.

Little and Big would play all the day

The time would pass, just whittle away.

They’d laugh and they’d giggle, they’d and sing and they’d dance

Fight? Not them! There isn’t a chance.

The Mrs. and me would smile with pride

as Little and Big played side by side.

 

Time would pass, as time will do

And every day befell a hullaballoo.

Breathing deeply, calmly, our patience tried

How did Little and Big turn into Jekyll and Hyde?

They’d start off smiling, so sweet and so kind.

From there, their behaviors only declined.

Their voices would raise, they shrieked and they whined.

The Mrs. and me had no peace of mind.

 

Such tsuris (trouble) would arise; out went all delight.

These shvesters (sisters) would bicker, squabble and fight.

One would be crying, the other would scream.

What happened to our dear little family dream?

The Mrs. would lose it, and me, sure to follow

It was fisticuffs, just like Rocky vs. Apollo.

What transpired, so unpleasant, unfriendly and loud

Our own Manor version of a ‘mushroom cloud.’

 

So we breathed and exhaled, and tried hard not to yell.

But this bickering, snickering was feeling like hell!

Another approach was required post-haste

Or our neighbors would see that we’d soon be displaced.

We tried essential oils shmeared (spread) ‘cross their toes

In hopes the sniffer approach would reach up to their nose.

We begged Little and Big to cease and desist

We cried, we waxed on, we all hugged and we kissed.

der kinder, our shana madelahs
der kinder, our shana madelahs

Shvesters (sisters) look after each other; the drama must end!

No more combat or brawling, you should be best friends.

Your two mommas want you to have a great love and connection

Instead, might we have to hire you each some protection?

Feeling tired and raw, our parental flaws all exposed

This mishegas (craziness) somehow must get juxtaposed?

Surely our love will surpass this wild frustration

and der kinder (the kids) will reach a warm-hearted elation!

 

The Mrs. and me, growing tired and weary

know that life must go on, it can’t stay so dreary.

After all, most of the time they are trying their best

Surely us mommas won’t yet get depressed.

So today when I wake them for their day to begin

I’m hopeful and gleeful, I mustn’t chagrin.

For life with our girls will have tears, fill some oceans.

Buckle up, sit back, it’s a rollercoaster of emotions.

 

Follow my blog with Bloglovin, or right here on WordPress! 

Linky Live #ABitOfEverything @agentspitback Week 21 TY
Linky Live #ABitOfEverything @agentspitback
Week 21 TY

 

Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now!

Eyes, don’t deceive me now… Sometimes, you just have to wonder. Like for instance, when I was walking around on my lunch break, and came across this vision:

image

Either things are really progressing when it comes to dog-walking, or people are really digressing in terms of dealing with nature calling. Color me silly, but I fear the latter.

So, I tried to think about what other passers-by might have thought as they meandered across this less than idyllic scene. Please, as you read these next lines, conjure up the voice of an alte kocker (an old Jewish man or woman) for effect.

I should stop here a sec before we get to their house.” -translation: If you would have stopped along the way, like I begged you to, I wouldn’t have to pee in this nogoodnik’s (one with low morals) outdoor mess.

I should stop here a sec before we get to their house.” -translation: Oy, a balebustah (homemaker) she is not. Better I should go here, it’s probably cleaner.

“I should stop here a sec before we get to their house.” -translation: What, you think there is something wrong with that? I could brech (vomit) from the thought of eating her food. 

“I should stop here a sec before we get to their house.” -translation: Look at this drek (crap). What kind of neighborhood is this anyway?

“I should stop here a sec before we get to their house.” -translation: What? If you had a prostate you would understand! Mittendrinen (in the middle of everything), this is a mitzvah (good deed).

What? No toilet paper? A shanda (it’s a shame).

 

Follow my blog with Bloglovin, or right here on WordPress! 

Rant, Shmant, at least I can vent week 9: Driving

Curiously, a very famous, old, old cemetery is on the route
Curiously, a very famous, old, old cemetery is on the route

Luze zein shah! (Shush already!) Therapy in session…

I don’t know about you dear therapists, but driving around here has become outright mishegas (craziness). The people on the roads have taken a test, somehow passed and received a license to drive a vehicle! Oy vey (WTF)!

My morning drive is admittedly, one of the most beautiful in the entire world. A stunning commute filled with a bunch of mushuggenehs (crazies). It’s seven hellish miles. Magnificent zigzagging, tree-lined, pothole riddled roads that surround the waters of the Wissahickon and historic sites of age-old Philadelphia. After a dangerous merge, I head to another spectacular, snaky, curvaceous course that harkens back to the grandeur and prestige of a Thomas Eakins oil painting. Eakins, from the late 1870’s, devoted many years of his life creating oil paintings of the stuff I see every day — scullers and rowers on the Schuylkill River. Add runners, joggers, walkers and schvitzers (sweaty people) with their dogs, horses, and babies… Looking at the action alone could kill you.

image

On the journey that is my drive, fellow travelers multitask to a fault. Distracted, that would be a nice way to put it! They are talking, teleconferencing, texting, speeding, shaving, putting on eye-liner, singing to Adele, tying ties, fixing hair, checking for ‘bears in the cave,’ getting pissed at traffic, and screaming at talk radio hosts. All the while, the GPS is barking directions and ways to evoke more expeditious expeditions while Siri is chatting up local latte locations. Those with little people are either begging for silence so they can masterfully do all of the above while driving, or passing der kinder (the kids) a nice nosh (a little something to eat) and drink to quell the clamor. Cheerios flying, sippy-cups seeping while said kinder (children) are squirming in the car seats they will be trapped in until they are dropped at the university dormitory.

Traffic, gawking, gaper-delays all add to the madness. I see too many accidents each day as part of my pillar to post routine. It’s frightening. When I don’t see the actual smash-up, I see the car remnants, the rubber tread marks on the road, the broken glass, the bits and chunks of bent metal objects. It’s a shonda (shame).

I absolutely do not text and drive (any more). I often talk; always hands-free. I’ll never switch to an incoming call while on the phone unless I am at a red light and it is really important. I listen to NPR. I sometimes cry in the car. I go the speed limit, prompting many evil looks and ugly hand gestures. And I watch closely, because it is terrifying out there.

image

Do you remember etiquette on the road? Be a mensch (good person) already and let someone in your lane or out of a parking lot. Pay if forward, will you please? Wave and nod as a thank you. It won’t kill you. Maybe smile a little…it’s contagious you know. It’s really not such a kockamayme (ridiculous) idea to show some politeness.

Well that’s my kvetching (ranting) today. Drive nicely people. It’s a mitzvah (good thing) to arrive alive each direction.

Gay ga zinta hate (go in good health).

Follow my blog with Bloglovin, or right here on WordPress! 

linky 3-18-16 #FabFridayPost Linky #23
linky 3-18-16 #FabFridayPost Linky #23

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

thanks to @ethannevelyn and @bumbismom