Posted on in aging, frugal, Hot Flash, humor, two moms, Uncategorized, Wordpress

I can fry a couple of eggs on my abdomen, can you?

sizzle, shmizzle
sizzle, shmizzle

I can also pop corn on my face. Pretty impressive you’re thinking, ha?

Warning to all male readers: I am about to delve into the anatomy of a hot flash. This may mean talk of lady parts (though doubtful), cycles that coincide with the moon, and all things related to estrogen, and the natural biological process of what I call, estrogen-not.

You’re still here. Nice. After all, you have wives, moms, and daughters. You’re a real mensch (good-hearted person) for staying! So, as I was saying, my body has run cold my entire life. Blue fingers and lips when it’s 89 degrees in the shade…no joke! I wear many layers of clothing all year round. And yes, I’m at that age where that mysterious metamorphosis  materializes.

I remember back in the day, getting happy when I got carded before entering a bar. It’s the exact same feeling now when the doctor or lab technician says, “Do you still get your period honey?” Go Girrrrrrrrrrrl!

It’s crazy, from the moment that first red dot appeared, I despised it. My parents, they made such a taka mitziah (big fucking deal) out of it – took me out to dinner? My mother, she told the waitress. Attention Judy Blume: you, God and Margaret did not help me to prep me for a scenario like that. “I’ll have the nova platter with an everything bagel, toasted lightly, cream cheese on the side; Morty, he’ll have the stuffed cabbage, and my daughter, she got her period today!” That was a long time ago, but the memory is etched in my brain.

And now, look at me, saving energy by cooking on my sizzling body parts! I’m finally one hot momma! At first, I had maybe 3 hot flashes, and that was it. I thought, well that was easy! Today, I get my schvitz (a deep, heavy sweat) on maybe 8, 9, 23 times a day (and night). This schvitz emanates from the subterranean parts of my core and rises both up and out simultaneously. Toxins and impurities run scared from every molecule of my being.

While this little body convection oven starts cooking, my heart, she races. Archetypal fight or flight heart palpitations, like the saber-toothed tiger is running after me, mittendrinnen (in the middle of ) every fucking thing. My fingers, they tingle (which is good, because I have to flip the eggs to cook evenly). And a perfect coating of sweat covers every single square inch of my person, from the waist up. I’m lichticheh (lit-up) and radiant. They don’t call this a flash for nothing! As quickly as she starts, she’s over. After, I get a little bit chilly. Oy vey iz mer.

Does this mean I’m an alta kocker (literally, the term means an old shit, but over the years, pleasantries have reduced the term to more akin with, ‘old fart’)? Hell no! I think age is a just a state of mind. My Little and my Big, they keep me young. I’m reliving the childhood I missed get with them, and loving almost every minute of it. And, I gotta stay young to take care of my Mrs.

For now, I’ll make eggs, or pop popcorn, and take solace in knowing that I am still being responsible and frugal for my family. Spa, shmah! For a schvitz like THIS, it would cost an arm and a leg.

Note: no eggs were harmed during the writing of this post. And Alannis, isn’t it a bissel (little bit) ironic that when my eggs cease to produce, I can scramble, poach, sunny-side up and over-easy like a pro right atop those ovaries? Next up, omelets. 

Nu?

Linky’s:

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44 thoughts on “I can fry a couple of eggs on my abdomen, can you?”

  4. I can pretend I am a male for Ellen, but I am way too girly! I just turned 40, 2 days ago actually, so I am all ready to embrace what the forties bring, I have no signs of early menopause yet, not sure when that will come my way. My mum had a full hysterectomy quite young so I don’t know when she would have faced it, my sister is nearly 44 and hasn’t began. So I am thinking many more months of my Red Friend! I am more worried about my 12 year old at the moment, her best friend just got her period and I am hoping my daughter won’t be any time soon, it’s just too young to deal with adult things. #stayclassy

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey, I’m laughing all the way through! I’m loving menopause! Planning vacations are so much easier. Well, that may also be due to all things frugal… Oy. #fabfridaypost Thanks Sarah!

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  9. I’m so scared I think I am going through peri-menopause. I have all of the symptoms and I’m only 32. The worst part is I have 5 kids who are all little and depend on me and sometimes my mood swings are so bad that I want to… well I better not say that publicly LOL

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Peri is like a 10 yr process. Talk to your doc if you are worried about your moods. Chances are good the little ones are the cause 😘 and I say that lovingly. For me, peri was just unpredictable. No real mood swings. I’m fortunate. Ty for reading! #fabfridaypost

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  11. I reaching close to that age now and I am kind of looking forward to it actually, as I don’t have to deal with it anymore! Like you – I think it will be a little weird all round. But it will be a good change. Thank you for linking up with us again Lisa on #FabFridayPost x

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Age is definitely a frame of mind! That’s so cool you can cook eggs on your stomach lol ; ). Must save a lot of the gas bill. How embarrasssing that your mother announced your period, wtf I would be horrified haha! Although my mom is the worst, she has a big mouth and is always “bragging” about me in front of me and I cannot take the compliments. I’ll never forget the day she drove up in a red mustang blasting Eminem rap song to my middle school when I was 13 years old. Thanks for the laugh and sharing with #StayClassyMama!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. This post gave me a good laugh! Frying eggs?! LOL. My mother in law is at that stage and she’s been complaining about hot flushes like forever. Reminds me of a tee I saw, “I’m hot. It comes in flushes”. Contemplated on getting it for my MIL but decided not to in the end. :p

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  15. Oh I was a huge Judy Blume fan growing up. I had something like this when breastfeeding, I’d wake up totally drenched in sweat. It sucked! Sorry you’re going through it. I hope it doesn’t last long! Thanks for joining us at the #bigpinklink

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Hi Lisa, just finished wiping the coffee off the coffee I spluttered all over my computer screen… Your parents did what? I wish I’d read this five years ago when my daughter started hers, I could have had some fun!

    After being a cold arse all my life, I’ve decided I like being a cold arse, but know I’m edging into the domain of the hot flush and am not looking forward to them one little bit. I get palpitations every time I feel a little hot, regardless of the fact it’s 35C outside…. You are right, age is just a number, but a hot flush sounds like hell so Id like to be younger or even older and over the other side!

    xx

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I don’t remember much about my first period, but I do recall that I wasn’t taken out to dinner (I’d remember THAT) & I’m very grateful for it! But I am giggling about the waitress being told! #FridayFrolics

    Liked by 1 person

  19. I’m not looking forward to menopause other than my periods taking a hike and never returning. They seem to have gotten worse after having kids. Love that you mentioned your parents taking you out to dinner to celebrate…mine did too!!! At the time I thought sweet …dinner out … Now I’m like wtf is so great about bleeding every month and of course it has ruined many plans during the years. Thanks so much for linking with #momsterslink :))

    Liked by 1 person

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