Blog, Shmog: Today an Interview

People, thank you for joining us today for this very special interview. After the very disappointing US withdrawal from the Paris Accord, I asked both Mother Earth and mr t to join me, over a nice babka (delicious cake) and coffee, to answer just a few questions. I hope you all find this informative and provides you all with the strength you need to take action.

Q: Do you believe in climate change?

A: Mother Earth Are you kidding me? I am one hot momma, schvitzing (sweating my ass off) like the ‘mother of all menopausal hot flashes.’ Mara Lago, you will be the first to enter the drink as my own sweat forces your little southern white house under the Atlantic. And remember mr t, hurricane season, she just started! Nu? I’m just sayin’. Can you please pass me a glass of water. Vey iz mir (Woe is me), I am parched.

A: mr t I would just like to say, America first. That’s all. That’s why you hired me. And I did win. Did you see those crowds at the inauguration? Biggest crowds to date. Very big crowds. I won.

Q: Why on fucking earth would you pull out from an accord (not legally binding) designed to voluntarily make the world a better, stronger, safer and healthier planet for all in the future?

A: Mother Earth It’s obvious this horrible excuse for a man is a shlemiel (someone who is useless, clueless, inept). 

A: mr t Global warming, climate change, whatever you people call it is all a Chinese-inspired hoax, you know, by the Chinese. Not Americans. America first. I won.

Q: How does it feel to be condemned by world leaders near and far?

A: Mother Earth Smart, he isn’t. My wish for him is that may all his teeth should fall out, except for one. And in that one tooth, he should have a toothache! And may that toothache be a preexisting condition. That should be his tsuris (troubles). 

A: mr t They are all just jealous of my business skills and good looks. I know a bad deal and this was a bad deal. Very bad deal. And, since I won, I can do whatever I want to. And I will erase everything that Obama did. Because I’m a racist, and my life and my deep pockets matter most. And I am the best looking of all the world leaders. Best looking by far. And I won.

Q: How can you explain all of the horrible, tragic storms, massive floods, and hottest temperatures on record? 

A: Mother Earth — Du kanst nicht oif meinem fus pishen und mir sagen klass es regen ist. Don’t pee on my foot and tell me it’s raining. Even your first lady-daughter, Ivanka, her nogudnik, gonif (a man of shady character) of a husband, President Jared, and oil maven, Tex-Rex Tillerson wanted you to stay in the deal. I bet they watched from inside, in the air-conditioning, since they were absent at the Rose Garden. 

A: mr t — Everyone knows I am right. This is a big, very big hoax. All of you countries, all 187 of you, got together, just to make the US, which I love so much, economically feeble. Do you see how many syllables are in the word economically? The leaders of the world, they will all come begging to sit at my table and talk to me about a new deal. The art of the deal. It will be the American Accord. We are the best, and I won. Coal is clean. Coal is good. Oil is clean. Oil is good. I speak for Pittsburgh. Boo Paris. I won. The Pittsburgh Accord. 

Q: Is there anything either of you would like to add to the conversation today?

A: Mother Earth — Climate change is not a bubbe-meiseh (old wives tale). It is real and the outcome can be catastrophic. Just remember, no one is as deaf as the one who will not listen. And, let me add, just because you can talk, it doesn’t mean you’re making sense. How many ‘once in a lifetime’ storms will plague our earth before you see what we are doing? 

A: mr t — The deal is not fair. I won. And, I would just like to say, America first. That’s all. That’s why you hired me. And I did win. Did you see those crowds at the inauguration? Biggest crowds to date. Very big crowds. I won.

Well. That was… yes, it was. Thank you, Mother Earth, and mr t for coming today. I must go now and march in a rally for ending gun violence. Never before have I had so many opportunities to show up and support so many causes. Oy vey… (OMG)

Zei gezunt. Be healthy, be well. 

Please.

     

     

Show me a Sign?

I woke up today, a good thing. So did you, because you are reading. Nu? Already, two good things. I looked at the news on my phone… Palm Sunday Church bombings in Egypt. Dozens killed. US Aircraft carrier heading over to get closer to North Korea. A deadly truck attack in Sweden. Sweden??

I took Gatsby on a walk on a nice sunny morning and I said, “G, we need to see some sign of hope.” On the way home, look what I saw.

Yes, this sums it up pretty nicely

The highest form of wisdom is kindness. di hekhstn far fun khkhmh iz guthartsikayt.

May we all wise up and have hope.

      

 

I AM WOMAN, the musical

Nu? This mr t, he has me farklempt (all choked up) with his evil and hatred. Not too long ago, I wrote a post, I AM WOMAN HEAR MY VOICE. Well, I’ve taken it to the stage folks. Please, bear with my (awful) voice as I stumble through my own, personal feminist anthem.

Please feel free to sing along. If only to cover up my voice! Vey iz mir…I’m meshuggeneh (crazy), but I am so motivated to peacefully make a change. Because Never Again, is now folks. 

Great big hugs and love to Mackenzie for her gorgeous participation and support! And Kristin, where would I be without the bug you put in my ear? And to all of you brave, men, women and children who showed up, and continue to show up in protest. That’s what I’m sayin.’
Why’d I do it? Well, I am trying hard to teach my kinder (little kids) to be brave, not perfect.
Hey, mr t, I Am Woman, and you, little orange man, are going to have to deal with that!
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When Never Again is now

False flags? This my friends, is not normal.
False flags? This my friends, is not normal.

A friend is not someone who wipes your tears; a friend doesn’t make you cry.  A fraynd iz nit emetser vas veyps deyn trern; a fraynd tut nisht makhn ir veynen.

What do Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Walt Disney, Winston Churchill, Coco Channel, Henry Ford, Roald Dahl, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Ezra Pound, T. S. Eliot and Charles Lindbergh all have in common with mr t? All are anti-Semites. They all have / had a deep, dark and outspoken hatred of Jews.

Hating Jewish people is not a new phenomenon, I know this well.  As a Jewish person, I am so grossly disturbed by this, along with the ongoing currents of bigotry and racism towards Blacks, Muslims, Mexicans, Women, and the LGBTQ community. It’s hard to comprehend and even harder to explain to the littles.

In the less than 2 months since the inauguration of mr t, let me list some news for you:

  • Over 100 Jewish Community Centers (JCC’s) have received bomb threats, and this week, about 30 of them were right here in my neck of the woods (PA, NJ, DE)
  • Horrible acts of vandalism have struck Jewish cemeteries located in St. Louis and Philadelphia (my hometown), toppling headstones and wreaking havoc for loved ones
  • Many Mosques and churches have been set on fire
  • Less than a week ago, a man in Kansas shot at two Indian men, killing one and wounding the other. He thought they were middle eastern, and yelled, “Get out of my country” as he fired shots. He also wounded a white American, 24 years old, who tried to stop him.
Can we do this? We must do this.
Can we do this? We must do this.

Can we all band together now and agree that what is happening in the US right now is not normal?

When asked about all of these recent attacks, mr t replied, “Sometimes it’s the reverse, to make people—or to make others—look bad.” He implied that the Jews are actually doing this to make him look bad. Later that same day, one of his advisers stated, with his outside voice,  that the culprits were democrats, all just trying to make him (mr t) look bad.” mr t, he calls this ‘false flags.’

Once, an evil man named Adolf Hitler used propaganda, hate,  and divisiveness to exterminate six million of my people, our people who lived and loved on this planet. After that awful time in our world history played out, we all promised, Never Again.

I see a crackdown on immigration. The building of walls. A Muslim ban. I think my friends, ‘Never Again’ is now.

Keynmal mer. Never again.

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Oh the quotes I remember

Ich hob dir lieb! I love you!
Ich hob dir lieb! I love you!

You know, sometimes, forgetting, it’s a good thing. Not when you are searching your brain for a missing word mid-sentence, or for the name of the person quickly approaching with open arms. Then, it’s a little scary — am I already an Alta cocker (old fart) losing my marbles? Oy vey. Some memories, good or bad, come rushing back at you with a smell, a sound, a familiar face, a feeling in your gut (shpilkes), or reading a great post about a national movement to battle body image for young girls.

Please know , that this post was inspired by Allison at Mad House Mom. She wrote an amazing post, Be Real (istic) in early February that dislodged the floodgates that fed (that is some effing pun) my inner voice as a kid. Hell, this voice was feeding me well into my thirties before I started fighting back. Before I wanted to fight back. And it was some battle.

If you are a woman in this world, chances are pretty damned good that you have had a bout of feeling a bit ‘less than’ throughout your life. If you grew up as a people-pleasing perfectionist, that sponged up all the dysfunction in a family to make it all seem okay, well let’s just say, that really sucks that is meshugenah (crazy) making.

Having mr t in the big office, bragging about ‘grabbing women by their ‘pussies’ (this has happened to me) after popping a few tic-tac’s; suddenly earning 21.4 cents less per dollar isn’t your biggest worry. How do I parent and protect my girls, my babies from what can be a cruel world?

Here are just a few doozies that broke the damn dam for me:

“Both girls, they’re too fat. I’ll allow two cookies a year. One on Christmas, and one on Easter.”  Our pediatrician said this to my mother with my shvester (sister) and me in the room when I was 5, maybe 6 years old. The age of my Little. A doctor really said that in 1969.

“Lisa, come here. Look in the mirror with me. When you put your legs together, you should be able to see three perfect diamonds. This is a problem.” My mother, she brought me into her ‘dressing room’ in the summer of 1974. I was wearing my, “I’m Lisa. Fly me.” t-shirt. You baby-boomers may remember this overtly sexist campaign from Delta, that actually sold the allure of the flight attendants as an absurd, racy extension of the actual airline. I had on my favorite matching yellow shorts. I saw no diamonds in that room, wall-to-wall mirrors, showing every possible angle of ‘diamondlessness.’

1979, said to my parents by a person I had never met, as we stood in line at the Rascal House for dinner: “I had no idea you had another daughter, Morty? I only knew about your sports all star!” Then my mother interjected in a very faint whisper, after looking from side to side to make sure no one of stature was listening, Lisa likes to paint. She’s an artist.” Insert shame here.

Lisala, you're cheeks are a little chubby, no?
Lisala, you’re cheeks are a little chubby, no?

 “I apologize, my daughter is wearing her glasses today, and I just   don’t know why? Then under her breath, she looked directly at me and sneered, Why would you do this to me?”  Mom again.  We were meeting for dinner, maybe 1987-88? For the record, I was at least 25 years old, my glasses were brand spankin’ new and my eyes were irritated from a flight from Philadelphia to Miami earlier that day. She spent the rest of that evening with her back to me. Never once looking at me or speaking to me during the entire meal. 

“Don’t you ever share food with her again, she has cancer. You’ll catch it. When you go to the bathroom, in her house, don’t sit on the seat. In fact, try not to go at all.” 1986, mom again. We were  in NYC and I took a bite of dessert from my most favorite aunt   in the entire world. At this point, she should have been pleased   I took a bite of anything at all. I would go days at a time eating absolutely nothing. Seeking invisibility and gauging my worth  by the numbers on the scale.

“Lesbians, like Martina (Navratilova), have a genetic mutation, just like retarded people. That’s why she is gay. It’s the mutation.  And, she is obviously the man in the relationship.” This gem, also from my mother, was declared over dinner at the TGI Friday’s in the Princeton Market Fair, NJ. Circa 1992-ish. ‘Dear old dad’ went on to pontificate about how she (Martina) disgusted him, and he couldn’t even watch her play tennis. Don’t you worry Martina, I defended you from this incompetence.

These couple of quotes, just the tips of the iceberg that tried to sink me like the Titanic. My dear friends, don’t you for one second be sad for me. I am alive and well, living and loving a life free of toxicity. My Mrs. and me, we met at a group for women with eating disorders. Good luck / bad luck. We worked through our shit hard in therapy before having little ones.

We do our best and bend over backward to raise our shana maidelehs (sweet girls) with love, respect, and self-esteem in a world that tries too hard to steal it from them. They will never hear what I heard or be subject to the pernicious parental spiel (empty jabber, talk) that formed my invalidating inner voice.

We want for them to learn to love themselves first and foremost. To know they are loved by us, no matter who they are, what they do or how they look. They will understand the value of being a good person on the planet, helping others and living a life with empathy and a strong voice. They will learn how to take their space and own it. We will not let them succumb to the vile sexist and misogynistic messages of the media, or mr t. That the ‘P’ word (perfect) only sets you up to fail.

We want to build their house on a strong foundation, ready to weather the storms that blow in and out of our lives. Mighty girls become brave women.

I wish that I could have pain instead of you my child. Mir zol zayn far dir, mayn kind.

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The Problem with Pee-Gate

No matter who you are, or how you identify, please don't leave the next person high and dry.
No matter who you are, or how you identify, please don’t leave the next person high and dry.

No matter who you are, or how you identify, please don’t leave the next person high and dry.

Let the record show that I have not been paid to write this piece, although truth is, that would be both helpful and nice. I am not a political reporter or a journalist. I am, however, one very outraged Yiddisheh momma who cannot just sit idly by while mr t and his alt-right, uber-conservative (pun intended) regime of discriminating desperado’s, steal away the basic rights and needs of transgendered students in this country, who’s only crime is that they want to pee safely. Yes, this is about peeing. Whether you sit, stand, hover-over, wipe or shake it off, we are in the midst of Pee-Gate. Who knew such tsuris (troubles) would plague us…

Pee-Gate is about ignorance fear, stupidity lack of knowledge, the lawlessness inequity of separate but not equal, bigotry, closed-mindedness, insecurity and what can very easily become an unnecessary increase in violence against, and suicide rates amongst, the LGBTQ community.

My President Obama, he banished the bathroom backlash by bestowing Title IX in the way it was created as law:

Title IX is a landmark federal civil right that prohibits sex discrimination in education. Title IX is not just about sports; it is a prohibition against sex-based discrimination in education. It addresses discrimination against pregnant and parenting students and women in STEM (science, technology, engineering, and math) programs. It also addresses sexual harassment, gender-based discrimination, and sexual violence. Sexual violence includes attempted or completed rape or sexual assault, as well as sexual harassment, stalking, voyeurism, exhibitionism, verbal or physical sexuality-based threats or abuse, and intimate partner violence.

(this is straight from the website, knowyourix.com)

My Barack, he said, let the transgendered kids use the bathroom of their choice. He didn’t do this because he was a nice guy (he is) or wanted to make trouble (he didn’t). He said this because he knew we already have a Federal Law on the books. Unlike mr t, Barack knows the law and the rights created in the Constitution. C’mon people, Tricky-Dick Nixon made Title IX a law back in 1972! That was 45 years ago, and Nixon!

Now for the outrage. This divisive and discriminating act of hatred and bullying towards the transgendered community in our educational system is based on the idiocracy that all transgendered youth (and grown ups too) in our country are perverse and have deviant motives when they need to pass water. This very small-minded thinking from the highest office in the land only boosts bullying and hatred to the most malevolent and malignant levels. mr t’s reversal is his first real attempt to hold true, his campaign claims against the entire LGBTQ community. It is an outright attack and I will not stand by and watch.

Milania, if you are truly standing tall against bullying as first Lady, then please leave your golden penthouse now and get the hell up and shout! Your husband is the biggest, baddest, bully in the bunch. Step down from your trophy wife status and stop him. You are a mom for christ sake. How can you let him attack our nation’s children this way? Put aside his misogynistic treatment of both you and Ivanka, the daughter-wife-in-chief, and start championing your cause. The kinder (children) need you.

The school that my Big and Little attend have non-marked bathrooms because you know what, we all gotta go. There are no issues as diverse students, teachers, staff, and caregivers all pee proudly and safely.

Please, join the resistance against this very dangerous policy by mr t. Join with positivity and hope as we demonstrate to the world leaders that our children’s lives are on the line. Protest peacefully, make calls, write letters, sign petitions, and send emails. You don’t mess with our kinder (children), mr t. 

We are supposed to leave the world a better place than when we entered it. mr t, I say to you:

A fool goes twice where a sensible person doesn’t even go once. A nar geyt tsvey mol dort vu a kliger geyt nit keyn eyntsik mol. 

In your case, many more times than twice. Oy vey!

L’Chiam! To Life!

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Vaginas, Muslims, Mac-n-Cheese, and Polar Bears

My mighty girls...
My mighty girls…We fight for you and all the kinder (children)

I am one scared Yiddeshah momma these days. I am literally swimming in shpilkas (nervous in my gut) over the tsuris (troubles) mr T has caused our world in just twelve days of domination, deception and lawlessness.

If you have a vagina, if you care about the ingredients in the foods you and your kinder (kids) eat, the water you drink, if you believe in religious freedoms and equality or cannot shake the image of the emaciated polar bears, please show up.

mr T, he began spewing the darkest, most Machiavellian mantra of inaugural messaging, while his minions behind the scenes stripped the White House website (and our people) clean of all of the hope and justice created during the Obama administration.

Rapidly putting pen to papers, he began to disassemble the accomplishments and freedoms for the people of this country, my country. The sick and underprivileged are now at risk. Healthcare is in limbo. Women’s rights, LGBT rights, and civil rights have been shuddered.  He has thrown out hard facts and true science, sacrificing the  environment for our kinder (children) and their kinder  —  all slashed with the click of a pen, held in his tiny, little, creepy hands.

He placed a gag order on the EPA. We no longer need to know what is in our food, our water; what spills in our riverbeds and oceans. He reopened the oil pipelines. 

And on Holocaust Remembrance Day, very late in the daily news cycle, he went above and beyond draconian, incomprehensible behavior. mr T, he banned all Muslims from seven majority Muslim nations, and all fleeing refugees from entering our sanctuary country.

This unprecedented, diabolical action is clear, plain as day, religious persecution. mr T’s deeds defy our American values and places us all in grave danger. He is setting the stage for his campaign promise of a Muslim registry. Indecency of this magnitude has happened before in the world. It all began with words of hate. Never again.

@POTUS44 and @MichelleObama, please stay close to us, for the clocks of history are quickly bending backward in time.

mr T, know that I wish you no ill will. I want you to leave the White House, but unless a bigger, bolder gig awaits you, I doubt this will happen. I will go back to my Yiddish ancestry and offer you up a bissel shiltn (little curse).

May you either have to use the toilet every three minutes or every three months. May ir oder hobn tsu nutzn di klozet yeder drey minut oder yeder dray khdshim.

I sure hope you have good healthcare mr T.  A yiddishah curse, is like no other!

What if we were to make him a new curse, reflecting modern times? Something along the lines of:

May your dictatorial acts, racist, anti-Semitic, and misogynistic views haunt you as your offspring marry a Jew (check), a Muslim, and a member of the LGBT community.

May you be more careful when you make those faces when you speak the words of puppet-master Bannon, because like all momma’s say, your face will freeze that way.

May your fortune grow and grow and grow, to incomparable levels of wealth and riches. And may the next Democratic president, elected 4 years from now, tax the f*cking shi*t out of you and the gazillionaire friends of yours who line your cabinets.

I must say, this curse making is quite fun. Why don’t you try it? Please, send me your creative thoughts and ideas!

Stay strong my friends. Our voices and actions matter more now than ever before. One need not be a lefty-liberal to know that hate has no home in these Unites States. We must proudly and strongly have the courage to stand up and say, “Never again.”

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