Dear onabotulinumtoxinA, I really miss you

It’s been some seven months or so since we last, well, hooked- up. You, me, Doc M., the hospital. It was, well, magical! I know you felt it too. You, so helpful, so giving. I miss your touch. That extraordinary effect you have over me.

For those of you not in the know, I’m talking about Botox. Not the ‘wrinkle-relaxer’ to iron-out the multitude of well-earned, effin’ lines that surround my mouth and eyes kind of Botox. Oh no, I’m speaking of the genius who figured out that if you inject actual botulism, a poison, strategically and methodically into the muscles of people like me who suffer chronic pain (cervical dystonia, and occipital neuralgia), it will deaden the pain. Deaden the pain. Three such beautiful words.

May you never experience such pain and troubles. Ir zolt mir nit visn fun ken tzar un tsuris.

Botox, you quiet my nerve signals, as they are effed up not so hotsy-totsy. When they are screaming to my brain, “OUCH, spasm, contract, OUCH,” your prickly approach allows my body to function, to feel like me. With you, I like me. Without you in my life, the pain gets so unbearable, that the contents of my body empty completely.  Yes, both north and south partner up on this exercise in exhaustive depletion. This, in turn, causes dehydration, additional spasms, contractions, and OUCHES! Not the big-O I am seeking.

onabotulinumtoxinA, Botox, your injectables, make me closer to fine. You complete me. The biggest problem in our relationship — what most people fight over, gelt (money). The dreaded pharma co-pay. You see, your precious vials, while worth every cent my love, cost $1200. Since insurance makes us ‘go dutch,’ our chance encounters run $600 USD.  Together, we need Dr. M. and his wise, slow hands. The best neurologist a tier 3 kind of practice according to insurance, even though he is in my effing network in the city of brotherly love unites us. The ambiance of our darkened medical suite, the cost of the tincture, the scent of the isopropyl alcohol — can you hear the clamorous Ka-ching that distances us?

Don’t worry about it! Zok nit kin vey!

This is how my Mrs. and me, we approached this dilemma for the first nine months. Feel better. Life will be good. Until those credit card bills come thudding through the post. You or groceries, school, rent, life. It’s too expensive to exist. That puts our union, our relationship, in the varbotn (forbidden) category. This is not the frugalista, Yiddisheh momma speaking. This is a true pharmaceutical reality that divides our picture-perfect match. We are no better than the Montagues and the Capulets. A star-crossed pair. A schadchen (marriage broker) couldn’t make me a better match, find me a better find.

So, my dear Allergan, this is an open plea for help. You, your Botox! It works, I am your advocate! Your ambassador. A walking, talking example of Botox in action when I am lucky enough to be under your spell. Help me help you to help me feel better. I can be a better mama, a better spouse, a better worker, a better activist, a better all around human being on the planet. Your unique power to deaden the pain in quarterly injectable, installments, is no less than miraculous. No heavy opioid side effects. Instant ability to operate heavy machinery and make important life decisions. With you by my side, the pain, she is very manageable. Sleep is greatly improved. Appetite is back. Together with my occipital stimulator,  I can almost consider myself to be, dare I even say it,  N – O- R – M – A – L. 

Allergan, Botox, Dr. M., hospital. Until we all meet again. There is no shame here. Only love.

“Good night, good night! parting is such sweet sorrow, That I shall say good night till it be morrow.”   William Shakespear, Romeo and Juliet

Zie gezunt. Be healthy. Be well. 

 

     

      

      

Today’s Post, is brought to you by the Letter “U”

With the doctor
With the doctor

Big U, Little u, what begins with U?

U is for Update

So the last time a letter sponsored this yiddisher momma, it was B, for Botox. I thought it well timed to share an update. It’s unanimous! There is no level of unhappiness as a result of this treatment. In fact, it is my understanding that in addition to the incredibly youthful, even child-like, back of my head and scalp that I now sport underneath my coif, Botox helps to undo my pain! In fact, Botox, united with my superhuman bionic occipital stimulator, has me under an umbrella of predominantly good feeling unlike I have known in quite some time. This unusual turn of events has me quite hopeful and, well upbeat. The upstairs region of my person, which is usually inundated with pain unlike – well, you should just never know from such ugly pain – now has me in the unique position of not crying, “Uncle! I give up.” 

Big U, Little u, what begins with U?

U is for Unlikely turn of events

It turns out, you do not have to be ungeshtupped (stuffed with money!) to get this procedure! The upright people who make Botox (Allergan) have a program to assist desperate pain sufferers such as me, in paying for the unreasonable and unwarranted copays that triggered consideration of sitting myself near my local urban pharmacy with a Venti-sized spent Starbucks cup in hand. I am still anticipating the arrival of my undue out-of-pocket expenditures, and will no doubt update you all to the Botox loot when it arrives via post. The understanding of said payback program has me already scheduled to undergo another round of injections in one month’s time. Sticking to the 90-day plan is urgent and essential in keeping away the unpleasant pain.

Doing the 'HAPPY DANCE'
Doing the ‘HAPPY DANCE’ for Mommy

Big U, Little u, what begins with U?

U is for Us

As in the Mrs., me and the kinder (kids) and our newfound universe that does not contain the usual amount of ache and discomfort. This has us all on an upward spiral of delight. And, don’t you worry, I will undertake anything that I am normally unable to do – I want very much to maintain this unique new feeling of unfeeling as much agony as is possible.

Until next time…what’s new with U?

 

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