How to set each other up for success!

Vey iz mir. (OMG.) I am in the midst of what can only be a true epic mom-fail. I need your help. You see, I believe, no matter what you are doing, how big or how small the act, you must always set up the next person for success? Nu? Is this so hard?

Let me get to the point. No matter which bathroom, loo, water closet I enter, I am often always left high and dry. You know, you rush in for a tinkle, hope that maybe, just maybe, you can pass water in peace. Alone. The door won’t fly open with a concern, a to-do needing arbitration, a question like, “What are you doing, mommy?” Just trying to pee alone, just this once. And you reach across to the toilet paper holder, usually placed convenient to the action at hand, only to find… 

All too often, this is my room with a view…

Am I the only one capable, culpable, hell-bent hung up on hanging up a new roll of toilet paper when I reach the cardboard holder which is effing recyclable people? The other day, in the course of just a few hours (I have the bladder of a flea) I was left as dry as the Sierra Desert at high noon in all three technically 2.5 of our bathrooms.

Some facts for you: We are four women. Two moms, two shana maideleh’s (sweet little girls). That’s a lot of estrogens well, it used to be more…  coursing through this home. No one leaves the seats up. No one can technically, er, um, drip dry (Gatsby, our man of the house, uses the outdoors mostly).

Not two weeks ago, I had that alone moment every parent craves and snuck into the kinder’s (kids) bathroom. I went, I turned, I reached…  NO! I stayed seated. I took a deep breath. I called for my kinder. They came joyfully running. The entered without abandon. “Hi mommy, what’ryou doing?” I asked, “What is wrong with this picture, my kinder?” They both cocked their heads, like when I ask Gatsby if he wants to go in the car or have a treat. “What do you mean, Mommy?”

I pointed to the sad scrap of paper attached to the TP holder. I said, “Have you girls ever changed the toilet paper roll before? Let me show you how, so this can stop happening to Mommy? Nu?” Since I was, well, indisposed, I asked Little to reach for a new roll. She handed it to me with her playful, almost spritely smile. I said to them both, “Watch this.” I held the new, plush roll in my lap still seated on the throne as I lifted the cardboard insert and the metal bar that holds it in place. I showed them how to emancipate remove the empty roll and did a shtick (shpiel, speech) about recycling. Then I gently placed the lovely, fresh roll onto the metal bar and lowered it into place. Thus securing the new roll, with a clean top-over pull, ready for those in need me

Still sitting atop said porcelain, I explained a bit about setting each other up for success in big ways, in small ways, in all ways. They nodded as if they understood. Giggling at my vulnerable state, I’m sure. Then, they scurried off to play. I completed my transaction and went about my day, thinking, “I made a difference today.” 

… Later that same day, the commode conundrum reared its ugly head yet again. This time, upstairs, in the bathroom I share with my Mrs. (and kinder too) I didn’t even try to shut the door.  I went, I reached, NO! Gatsby was curled on the mat near the shower. I looked at him and his tail wagged, making a lovely noise as it smacked the floor. He knew nothing of the tsuris (trouble) I was facing. I looked up, and across the room which felt a million miles away, atop the sink, sat a brand-new scroll. I laughed cried. I waited for eons. I stood and walked over like Elvis, with my pants around my ankles and seized my prize. Oy!

So my friends, If as a human being, living and sharing space on this precious planet we call home, you are looking to bring solace to your fellow dwellers, simply follow these easy steps.

You will need some basics.
1 new roll of (whatever ply suits your system) TP
A free hand put down the smartphone
Recycling bin (YES! It’s recyclable should not be sent to the landfill)

It’s simple really.
Remove empty roll.
Replace with new roll, paper coming over top.
Place empty roll in the recycling bin, or save for reuse as beautiful junk in a craft project with your kinder. 

Beautiful. Now watch Helen Hunt do it… you won’t be sorry for these 25 seconds, I promise.

Voila!

Anyone having these same issues? Do tell!

Yiddish Proverb:

If the Student is successful, the teacher gets the praise. Az der talmid iz a voiler, iz der rebbi oich a voiler.

     

     

      

  

Busy, Shmizzy: Eat Together for a Better World

Folks, it’s time for a post update. We still fearlessly, tirelessly, endlessly march on, supping together in hopes of a higher purpose. Manners are hard to come by here at the Manor. This week I see that mac-n-cheese is still perceived and approached as finger food. Opposable thumbs do not impress our small humans. The Mrs., and me, our voices continue to make no sound at all to our giggly little, pierced ears who nosh (eat a little) during this very important nutritional act of derring-do. My glass, it stays half full yes, they spilled again, but I am using the metaphor now

and this is how we eat noodles
and this is how we eat noodles, in stereo with Cousin Max, at a restaurant no less, in public… Oy!

I’m always telling suggesting to the Mrs. about the importance of sitting down together to ess a bissel (eat a little). How we need to dine with the full mishpocheh (family). Studies by big machers (hot shots) like scholars and doctors all laud the big meal get together as the solution to practically all that plagues the planet (don’t get me started, oy vey iz mir).

Jointly sitting and supping brings benefits to the body, brain and overall ‘mini-mojo’ of our kinder (kids). A nice nosh (proper meal) together makes for little Epicureans that become ‘epi-curious’ eaters who will choose more fruits and veggies, and pick less fried foods and sugary beverages. If mealtime is conquered correctly, the consuming kinder (children) are less likely to kvell (be happy) over a ‘happy meal’ that is loaded with tasty toxins, added fats, oils and who the hell knows what other unsavory ingredients. They won’t hunger for the little tchotchkes (small, unnecessary plastic toys), that promote future gluttony and materialism. They will be less likely to become obese. That alone equals a healthier lifestyle with fewer illnesses. Kaynahorah (to ward off evils — like the big C, heart disease and stroke), all this magic with one familial sit down a day?

Wait! There’s more. Those same above-mentioned mavens add that clever conversation over a nice meal boosts vocabulary for our kinder (kids), which makes for stronger, happier readers. Nu? If you can survive manage regular family mealtimes as the kinder mature, higher test scores, better grades and overall academic performance are in your future.

Add an avocado to the meal, and you win top honors in Nobel nutrition.

Well, it is obvious that no maven of any sort has observed the goings on at our little corner of the dining room here at the Manor. The Mrs. and me, we do our best to offer nightly variations of healthy, overly expensive organic suppers while trying to stick to our frugalista rice and beans every night still ways. With you, I must be honest, dinners hock mier en chinikeh (drives me bat-shit crazy). Etiquette and decorum have left the building by this witching hour!

Things usually start smoothly. The girls, they clean up a bit and set the table when we beg, plead and bribe. They help bring out our food (beans and rice). We all sit, and the Mrs. and I, we ask open-ended questions like a job interview to try to get them to respond speak with us. They sit with their knees up, spread eagle (vey iz mir), and have clearly left their listening ears in the ‘OFF’ position. They seem to have their own form of communication that is specifically designed to exclude us. They use their fingers instead of utensils even for soup. In fact, just last night, I was prompted to wax eloquent on the beauty of our opposable thumbs and how they separate us from the animal kingdom in hopes they would just pick up a g-damned fork or a spoon and eat like humans.

Little, she has a tendency to lick random and incredibly disgusting things WTF. She gets up from the table an average of  267 times per meal. She may need more water, go use the bathroom, want something better to eat, have an undeniable urge to dance, jump on the trampoline, or simply incite an enormous giggle-fest with Big. And I won’t kid you when I say it, she ‘toots like a trumpeter’ at the table. My madelah (sweet little girl)!

Big, she started with the whole knees up posture. She may use a fork for a moment or two, then she will quickly resort to her more primal instincts and pick up everything with her fingers, especially condiments. She can tell a story or two during dinner, and get up to act it out, share via interpretive dance, or become totally taken in by the mishegas (craziness) of Little. This leaves the Mrs. and me sitting table-side for what must be days, weeks, months hours, getting all cobwebby, and stiff-jointed, waiting for her to finish the feast.

And mittendrinnen (in the middle of everything), Gatsby, will jump into any temporarily vacated seat, and make a quick and successful quest for any food sitting idle.

Gatsby, on the prowl
Gatsby, on the prowl

The shvesters (sisters) behavior has the Mrs. and me chugging the Apple Cider Vinegar (an excellent indigestion remedy) nightly, straight from the bottle. It’s a mitzvah (good deed) we don’t drink enough or at all!

Lo and behold, we will endure these rituals because we have put our trust in the big macher alrightniks (good people).

Charlotte, she will weave her nightly web around us. We make this sacrifice night after night with the promise that our girls will not engage in high-risk behaviors like smoking, drugs or sex ever, ever, ever. They won’t have depressed or suicidal thoughts. They will avoid bullies at school and online. They will be self-confident and self-loving and avoid eating disorders.

They will be strong, mighty girls who can lean in at any table. And they will have empathy and compassion, because each night, we do our best to make it through another make your own burrito bowl.

I wonder if there are any studies of what happens to us mom’s as we suffer go through this phase?

A bei gezunt (Live and be well).

 

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BHI, our happy place

Still energized and grateful for these wonderful memories of our holiday together.  Thank you, Nona and Pop Pop! Bald Head Island, NC. 

A nice holiday with family! A fayn ium tub mit mishpocheh!

     

      

    

 

Aside

101 things I can’t believe I have already said this summer

The summer sizzle, she has started! When I saw the temps hit 101, oy vey iz mir (oh em gee), I had to document it for you all to see. Me, I like the heat. You will not get a complaint from me from heat and humidity… cold, that’s another story altogether. And in the heat, we get a bissel meshugeneh ( a little bit crazy). It’s hard to believe the things that have come from my mouth, in these short, early days of summer.

  1. Absolutely no licking your sister or Gatsby — in fact, you really should not ‘lick’ anyone at all
  2. How many times do I need to tell you both that your feet should not be on the walls?
  3. There footprints on the walls in every damned room in this crap apartment
  4. Talk with your big girl voice
  5. No dribbling in the house, we have neighbors to consider
  6. Please, just roll the ball
  7. Do you want me to bring the ball downstairs and give it away?
  8. I do not think you should have a jar of Kalamata olives for breakfast
  9. Step away from the Kalamata olives
  10. What is the one rule we have in this family? That’s right, be kind.
  11. Really, you are slowly killing me Was (insert kicking, throwing, not sharing, yelling, ignoring, having a tantrum) that behavior kind?
  12. Can you try using your utensils during meals?
  13. Today, I am not going to mention anything about using utensils
  14. Can we try to have just one meal, where everyone stays at the table, in their seats, the whole meal, utensils or not
  15. Do you even hear my effing voice when I speak?
  16. Just fuc*ing answer me I know you heard me speak, so can you just fuc*ing answer me kindly respond?
  17. Do you know what it feels like to be ignored?
  18. R-E-S-P-O-N-D-!
  19. You do not need to cry, just answer so I don’t go batshit crazy and start throwing things
  20. My girls, if being tired were a valid excuse for making bad choices, mommy and Ema would be miserable asshats grumpy and unkind all of the time
  21. Why are you frustrated, honey? kill me, or stick a hot poker in my eye
  22. Who used magic markers on this white table What is the definition of mental illness?
  23. Honey, please put something underneath your paper when you draw or color
  24. Why is the table purple and blue?
  25. Please think your answer through before you speak — lying is not kind
  26. Well, then who colored on the table?
  27. Who remembers what mommy and Ema say about licking? (please note: she just licked the soy sauce bottle on the table at the Chinese restaurant I am completely useless
  28. Quiet, happy place Quiet, happy place (repeat over and over in hopes of finding a quiet, happy place)
  29. Little, please leave Gatsby’s teeth alone — he is trying to sleep
  30. If he’s growling at you do you want him to go all Cujo on you, what is he trying to tell you, honey?
  31. I don’t think Gatsby want’s to wear your bike helmet right now sweetheart – maybe just the pearls
  32. Has anyone brushed their teeth today because these toothbrushes are bone dry, and your breath reeks of hummus?
  33. Yes, you have to brush the wiggly-giggly teeth or the tooth fairy will not visit for a couple of nasty, food covered, smelly, grungy teeth, blech!
  34. Can you both try to stay in the bathroom while you brush your teeth
  35. Girls, should we be walking around the apartment while brushing our teeth?
  36. Please turn off the water while you brush your teeth
  37. What does mommy say every time about conserving water for the planet, girls
  38. Look how Jesus H. Christ hard you are running the water
  39. Do you want your children to have water (yes, I did go there) to brush their teeth?
  40. Big, brush longer — sing an entire Adele song in your head
  41. Little, enough brushing already!
  42. You really only need to spit once or twice when rinsing
  43. I counted 17 rinse/spits — toothbrush down — step away from the sink
  44. Why is there a crap load of toothpaste on the floor each and every damned day of my life
  45. Let’s put on some sunscreen girls
  46. It’s time for more sunscreen girls – because we want to protect you
  47. Why are you standing in the refrigerator?
  48. Please, girls, do not drink your water with the refrigerator door open
  49. Your glass of water will not get hot if you keep it by your side during dinner
  50. What does mommy say shut the damned fridge door already about conserving energy for the planet earth?
  51. Do not drink your water like Gatsby would, honey, you have opposable thumbs for a reason
  52. (Epic spill) Oy, it’s only water — grab a towel
  53. Be nice to each other, you are shvesters (sisters)
  54. Do you know how lucky you are to be shvesters?
  55. After cleaning every damned pot, pan and dish in the kitchen How on earth can you be huuuuuunnngry?
  56. Why do you say that like you’re about to cry? Say it normally, in your big girl voice
  57. Drink a glass of water and let’s check back in together, in 20 minutes or so
  58. Quiet, happy place Quiet, happy place (repeat over and over in hopes of finding a quiet, happy place)
  59. What did I say about drinking your water with the refrigerator door open?
  60. Nope, it hasn’t been 20 minutes yet
  61. When I say no licking, that includes the refrigerator door handle someone, save me
  62. Okay, but think about what you want BEFORE you open the door of the refrigerator
  63. Fine, have some olives — yup, as many as you like
  64. No, you cannot eat them on the sofa
  65. Because we eat food at the table
  66. Because I SAID SO (yep, I said that too)
  67. Gesundheit! sneezed into my f*cking mouth — ugh! Sneeze into your elbow, please sweetie
  68. Uh-oh, cough germ warfare game on into your elbow too, honey
  69. Please don’t pick your nose
  70. Even when you turn away, mommy can tell that you are picking your nose
  71. Because I can
  72. Now, go wash your hands so we all don’t get sick
  73. STOP! Should you be jumping on the sofa especially when we have a f*cking trampoline in the living room?
  74. Does this look like the playground (well, minus the trampoline – apartment life)?
  75. Get on the trampoline girls and jump some of that energy out
  76. Okay, then read, color, call Nona,  split the atom, cure cancer, write letters to Sen. Toomey or put on a show for us
  77. Yes, we will put our phones down when we watch your show — now go and practice in your room
  78. We were just talking while you both were rehearsing – remember how we talked about how sometimes, mommy and Ema, we need time to talk to each other?
  79. Grown up stuff
  80. Why are you standing on the sofa?
  81. Okay, let’s just think before we jump on someone without them expecting it
  82. Oh for f*cks sake Ema, are you okay?
  83. PLEASE! breathe Kindness includes not jumping or ramming into each other or us
  84. Maybe I am the one who is batshit bonkers and no noise at all comes out of my mouth Does anyone in this house HEAR ME when I SPEAK?
  85. Quiet, happy place Quiet, happy place (repeat over and over in hopes of finding a quiet, happy place)
  86. Yes it is the weekend
  87. No sweethearts, mommy stays home today! It’s a family day!
  88. Maybe we can get ice cream today
  89. Not really, most of the time ‘maybe’ means ‘yes’ because mommy and Ema crave ice cream nightly, it is our equivalent of a nice bottle of red
  90. Let’s walk Gatsby, you can bring your scooters
  91. Of course, you have to wear your helmets
  92. Yes, you need more sunscreen – that was hours ago
  93. Because it is mommy and Ema’s job to take good care of you
  94. Everybody, please pee before we go
  95. It will be a nice walk, I don’t know how long
  96. Are you really going to scooter in those gladiator boots I’m meshuggeneh (crazy)?
  97. Come here girls, give me a big hug
  98. Ewwww! Did you just LICK my underarm?
  99. Ema, text me when we can should come back!
  100. Take all the time you need, honey
  101. I love you all to the moon and back, to infinity!

She (and by she, I mean me) should go crazy and run around through the streets. Zi shoudl geyn mshuge aun loyfn arum dirk di gasn.

      

      

      

 

A girl can dream, nu?

I wish... I wish...
I wish… I wish…

Color me a baby boomer, but I can’t help but wonder if we wouldn’t be in this mess if The Love Boat and Fantasy Island were still on TV. I mean, that’s were all of the ‘B’ rated celebs went off to, right? Nu?

Folkh mikh a gayng! Like that’s gonna happen!

Well Mr. T-elect, as you think about repealing the Affordable Care Act for me and my twenty million friends who rely on it, I offer you this lovely and wise Yiddish proverb:

May all your teeth fall out, except for one. And in that one, you can have a tooth ache.

May ale deyn tseyn faln aoys, akhuts far eyn. Aun in az eyner, ir kenen hobn a tson veytik.

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Wordless Wednesdays: Life is a Bargain!

Lebn iz de greste metsye. Mir nemen es far gornisht. Life is the greatest bargain. We get it for nothing.

Please, can I come trick or treating with you...Pretty please.
Please, can I come trick or treating with you…Pretty please. Really.
Sleepovers, movies, and friends
Sleep-overs, movies, and friends
Windows update?
Windows update? Or a piece of sky…
Ladies who lunch...or sip?
Ladies who lunch…or sip?
Up we go...
Up we go…
Luka, watch me!
Watch me! I said watch me!
No, it's run, run, skip. Run, run, skip.
No, it’s run, run, skip. Run, run, skip.
Photo-bombed by Gatsby!
Photo-bombed by Gatsby again!

Lebn aun zei gezunt! Live and be well!

 

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Let them Play! Wordless Wednesday

#explorerkids
I can get them, I know I can (floaty bugs in the water)
Split by a rainbow
Split by a rainbow
roar!
Roar!
Mommy, I have to pee
Mommy, I have to pee!
There is something not right here...
There is something not right here…
They cannot get me, they cannot see me
They cannot get me, they cannot see me
Little and Big's world
Little and Big’s world
We found her, Amelia Earhart, she's here
We found her, Amelia Earhart, she’s here

Oib di velt vet verren oisgelaizt, iz es nor in zechus fun kinder. If the world will ever be redeemed, it will be only through the merit of children.

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Bedtime, in 4 hours or less

It somehow energizes them...
It somehow energizes them…

I know, you’ve been thinking, Lisala, it’s been so long since you shared your parenting perceptions and insights. Sure, a nice rant, a beautiful pic, sweet tender mishpocheh (family) moments. Today, we revisit bedtime. How on earth do you get the kinder to gai shluffin (the kids to go to sleep)? Well my readers, I offer you our thoughtful child rearing insights, in the form of a song. Hum along if you like, to the tune of Let It Be, you know, by the Beatles:

 

When I find myself in need of slumber

Trying to act sensibly

The whole world feels chaotic, fretfully

Retiring Big and Little takes too long

I doze off first expectantly

The kinder, they’re nocturnal, devilry

Empathy, empathy

Empathy, come and see

What, like our bed is the only bed on earth?

Their own room is so beautiful; come and see

 

I wake up to the sound of squealing,

Maidelahs have taken all control

The Mrs. voice is loudly fuming, testily

I muster up some words of wisdom

Pleading with veracity

Yet my babble is not in sentences, regrettably

Remedy, remedy

Remedy, eventually

We need a two bedroom like we need a luch in kop (hole in the head)?

They’ll sleep in their own bedroom, eventually

 

My Mrs., she chortles at my jabber

The kinder loudly laugh and giggle

Reveling in my senseless banter, splendidly

Minutes have slowly ticked to hours

Empty threats thrown about with leniency

We’re a helpless parent fail, professedly

Sleeplessly, sleeplessly

Sleeplessly, hopefully

Other kids go the fuck to sleep without such a gantseh megillah (long drawn out story)

Tomorrow night will be so much better, hopefully

 

Sleeplessly, sleeplessly

Sleeplessly, hopefully

Other kids go the fuck to sleep without such a gantseh megillah (long drawn out story)

Tomorrow night will be so much better, hopefully

 

Well, you know what they say:

Der shlof iz der bester dokter. Sleep is the best doctor.

Is there a doctor in the house? Oy vey iz mir.

 

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Auditions Today!

Nutcracker tryouts
Nutcracker try-outs

It’s September again; the stores, they started it first

Christmas, its here and now it’s time to rehearse

Find the nice tights, leotards; put buns in their hair

It’s Nutcracker tryouts — hurry, hurry, let’s prepare

 

Every Sunday from now, right up to those two special days

They’ll practice away in their sugarplum haze

We’ll leave other events early with a sigh or a pout

And arrive at the studio to grand jeté about

 

As the music is cranked our smiles quickly return

It’s Tchaikovsky we hear, so many new parts to be learned

The Littles and Bigs, they will dance with the Donetsk ballet

As they show the story of a girl, her gift and her dream in a magical way

 

My sweet little maidelahs making Yuletide traditions

Sharing steps with Ukrainian mavens, in Balanchine’s celebrated positions

A mouse and a cook for my Big this holiday season, My Little a polichinelle and a small doll

Two roles, two acts, and two costumes for each, making memories, having fun, above all

 

In theatre with stage sets that ‘wows’ every viewer, this Yiddisher momma, oy how I’ll kvell

Come one, come all, grab a seat and enjoy, such nachas can only make you feel well

The Holiday season is right smack dab on us; the emmes truth, we couldn’t be cheerier

Vas, like you have something better to do? Not when the Wissahicken Dance Academy is so superior!

 

A bei gezunt to all (You should all be healthy)!

 

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Wordless Wednesday: Oh the places we go

mt airy fest

big at the fest

music

little in car

look whose tooth came out...
look whose tooth came out…

Wiss 1

log play

log play color

what is it

Gat

wiss walk

cicada season

mush

Oib di velt vet verren oisgelaizt, iz es nor in zechus fun kinder (If the world will ever be redeemed, it will be only through the merit of children).

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Wordless Wednesday: Lazy, crazy summer days

image

image

image

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image

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A bei gezunt (as long as you’re healthy)! 

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Busy, Shmizzy: Eat Dinner Together for a Better World

Folks, it’s time for a post update. We still fearlessly, tirelessly, endlessly march on, supping together in hopes of a higher purpose. Manners are hard to come by here at the Manor. This week I see that mac-n-cheese is still perceived and approached as finger food. Opposable thumbs do not impress our small humans. The Mrs., and me, our voices continue to make no sound at all to our giggly little, pierced ears who nosh (eat a little) during this very important nutritional act of derring-do. My glass, it stays half full yes, they spilled again, but I am using the metaphor now

and this is how we eat noodles
and this is how we eat noodles, in stereo with Cousin Max, at a restaurant no less. Oy!

I’m always telling suggesting to the Mrs. about the importance of sitting down together to ess a bissel (eat a little). How we need to dine with the full mishpocheh (family). Studies by big machers (hot shots) like scholars and doctors all laud the big meal get together as the solution to practically all that plagues the planet (don’t get me started, oy vey iz mir).

Jointly sitting and supping brings benefits to the body, brain and overall ‘mini-mojo’ of our kinder (kids). A nice nosh (proper meal) together makes for little epicureans that become ‘epi-curious’ eaters who will choose more fruits and veggies, and pick less fried foods and sugary beverages. If mealtime is conquered correctly, the consuming kinder (children) are less likely to kvell (be happy) over a ‘happy meal’ that is loaded with tasty toxins, added fats, oils and who the hell knows what other unsavory ingredients. They won’t hunger for the little tchotchkes (small, unnecessary plastic toys), that promote future gluttony and materialism. They will be less likely to become obese. That alone equals a healthier lifestyle with fewer illnesses. Kaynahorah (to ward off evils — like the big C, heart disease and stroke), all this magic with one familial sit down a day?

Wait! There’s more. Those same above-mentioned mavens add that clever conversation over a nice meal boosts vocabulary for our kinder (kids), which makes for stronger, happier readers. Nu? If you can survive manage regular family mealtimes as the kinder mature, higher test scores, better grades and overall academic performance are in your future.

Add an avocado to the meal, and you win top honors in Nobel nutrition.

Well, it is obvious that no maven of any sort has observed the goings on at our little corner of the dining room here at the Manor. The Mrs. and me, we do our best to offer nightly variations of healthy, overly expensive organic suppers while trying to stick to our frugalista rice and beans every night still ways. With you, I must be honest, dinners hock mier en chinikeh (drives me bat-shit crazy). Etiquette and decorum have left the building by this witching hour!

Things usually start smoothly. The girls, they clean up a bit and set the table when we beg, plead and bribe. They help bring out our food (beans and rice). We all sit, and the Mrs. and I, we ask open-ended questions like a job interview to try to get them to respond speak with us. They sit with their knees up, spread eagle (vey iz mir), and have clearly left their listening ears in the ‘OFF’ position. They seem to have their own form of communication that is specifically designed to exclude us. They use their fingers instead of utensils even for soup. In fact, just last night, I was prompted to wax eloquent on the beauty of our opposable thumbs and how they separate us from the animal kingdom in hopes they would just pick up a g-damned fork or a spoon and eat like humans.

Little, she has a tendency to lick random and incredibly disgusting things WTF. She gets up from the table an average of  267 times per meal. She may need more water, go use the bathroom, want something better to eat, have an undeniable urge to dance, jump on the trampoline, or simply incite an enormous giggle-fest with Big. And I won’t kid you when I say it, she ‘toots like a trumpeter’ at the table. My madelah (sweet little girl)!

Big, she started with the whole knees up posture. She may use a fork for a moment or two, then she will quickly resort to her more primal instincts and pick up everything with her fingers, especially condiments. She can tell a story or two during dinner, and get up to act it out, share via interpretive dance, or become totally taken in by the mishegas (craziness) of Little. This leaves the Mrs. and me sitting table-side for what must be days, weeks, months hours, getting all cobwebby, and stiff-jointed, waiting for her to finish the feast.

And mittendrinnen (in the middle of everything), Gatsby, will jump into any temporarily vacated seat, and make a quick and successful quest for any food sitting idle.

Gatsby, on the prowl
Gatsby, on the prowl

The shvesters (sisters) behavior has the Mrs. and me chugging the Apple Cider Vinegar (an excellent indigestion remedy) nightly, straight from the bottle. It’s a mitzvah (good deed) we don’t drink enough or at all!

Lo and behold, we will endure these rituals because we have put our trust in the big macher alrightniks (good people).

Charlotte, she will weave her nightly web around us. We make this sacrifice night after night with the promise that our girls will not engage in high-risk behaviors like smoking, drugs or sex ever, ever, ever. They won’t have depressed or suicidal thoughts. They will avoid bullies at school and online. They will be self-confident and self-loving and avoid eating disorders.

They will be strong, mighty girls who can lean in. And they will have empathy and compassion, because each night, we do our best to make it through another make your own burrito bowl.

I wonder if there are any studies of what happens to us mom’s as we suffer go through this phase?

A bei gezunt (Live and be well).

 

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3 Days / 3 Quotes: Game On Day 3

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Day 3 is already here. Oy! (wow). I want to share with you, some quotes on Love. Today, is for the Mrs., the love of my life, my best friend, Ema (mother) of our kinder (kids Big and Little), and a SAHM (no easy task)! She is smart, creative, such talent she has… And her beauty, it is inside and out. Oozing from her… If you think you’re going to see a picture of her here, now, you’re missheguneh (nuts)! I don’t have a pre-approved, okay to share with the world shot. Photo, shmoto — I wouldn’t be able to capture her essence anyhow. And that is the emmes (absolute, for real, not lie) truth.

Why Quotes? Because who am I to say no to a challenge? Don’t you know, just a few short days ago. I’m reading some of my fave bloggers, and I see that Helen, over at At Least I Have a Brain, is in the midst of a 3 day quote challenge. As I  study the quotes on her page, there I am, mittendrinnen (smack-dab in the middle) of her post! Game on Helen, and THANK YOU for this wonderful experience.

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Day 3: Honey, my Mrs., today is for you. Ich hob dir lieb (I love you)! Thank you for putting up with me, all my mishegas (craziness) and associated dreck (crap) like chronic pain, and, well you know… Here we go:

“If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.”

— Winnie the Pooh

“I love her and that’s the beginning and end of everything.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

“I love you. I am who I am because of you. You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I’ve ever had, and no matter what happens to us in the future, everyday we are together is the greatest day of my life. I will always be yours.”

— Nicholas Sparks

And, one Yiddish line of wisdom I must add here. It is so important for us in this frugalista state of our union:

Tsuzogen un lib hoben kost nit kain gelt (It doesn’t cost anything to promise and to love).

Of course, there are rules!

  • Provide 3 new quotes on many topics each day for three days
  • Nominate 3 new bloggers each day for three days
  • Thank the lovely writer who challenged you (HELEN!), always
  • Let the bloggers you have challenged, know about it (it’s a thing, part of the shtick)

My three maven (expert) bloggers for Day 3:

  1. Jenn at AMotherofAllTrades
  2. Cecile at TheFrenchieMummy
  3. Mac at ReflectionsFromMe

Have at it my friends…M’wah!

A bei gezunt (As long as we’re healthy)!

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We need some ‘Law and Order’ at the Manor

This was not what I intended by having a room with a view
This was not what I intended by ‘A room with a View’

Who needs cable? We have our own excitement around here. Vey iz mere (heaven forbid) some normalcy we should have. Our evening started off so tranquilly. As a family, we noshed (ate dinner) on a nice meal. We streamed a delightful documentary, ‘First Position,’ about young ballet dancers, hard work, determination and the joy of the dance. It was magnificent. Little and Big were kind to each other, wore their listening ears well, and we were all assembled in a family-style, sofa-sized snuggle. Bouts of ballet broke out before us as Little and Big sensed the genius they were watching and tested their own moxie as dancers took to the stage. We watched through the credits, kinder leaping and twirling.

It was Friday night, my turn to cuddle my kinder (kids) to schluffy (sleep). We kissed the Mrs. and Gatsby, our pooch, good night, and pranced into the bedroom for dreamland. I had a shana madelah (little innocent daughter) curled in each arm. What could be bad? Nu? Big, she fell first, as witnessed by the cutest little purr of a snore. My Little, always the challenge, dared dreamland and the imaginings ahead in the dark. Yet even she soon surrendered sweetly. I felt her soft breath on my cheek. The toil of the ‘short-long week’ took its toll, and I soon drifted off too, smile on my punim (face).

Mittendrinnen (in the middle of everything), the Mrs., she comes running in, out of breath, shaking my feet, trembling, and saying, “Someone’s been shot in the parking lot!” Not two minutes before, she was outside with Gatsby for the last walk of the night. I pray, no I don’t hope I’m dreaming? No such luck. I pinched myself; it hurt. Kaynahorah (without the evil eye), I looked around and my family was okay.

I stumbled out of the bedroom to the frightening scene that played out downstairs, just below our kitchen window. Police cars, marked and unmarked, flew in, lights blazing as it neared midnight. A man stumbled and fell out of a white car, blood pooling around him as he lay in agony on the macadam. Neighbors were trying to stop the blood that poured from his groin. Everyone called 911. I even called NBC 10 news-as if they would cover such a story.

“We’ll be right over, said the women at the news desk.” Have you seen them?

Where in the hell was the ambulance. At least six cop cars had arrived. Two cops dragged the poor screaming man by his legs, across the pavement, to their car. A trail of blood followed him. His girlfriend cried out in terror; he shouted, clearly suffering. The cops, they insisted they were helping him to get to the hospital. I can still hear his screams. My heart still thumps uncomfortably in my chest. Was this brutality? The Mrs. and I, we couldn’t help but wonder if a white man on a better street in a better section of Philly would have been schlepped (pulled) like that. #BlackLivesMatter

So began the investigation. No sign of a gun. No sign of a struggle. No shattered windows. No bullet holes from outside of the vehicle. A bloodied drivers seat and blood along the parking lot. What’ happened? The police turned to the girlfriend, arms bloodied as she tried to help her boyfriend, to stop the flow of his blood into the street.

“Where is the gun? Where are the cell phones? Do you have his SIM cards? Did you give them to your daughter to take inside?”

“I didn’t know he had a gun! He has lots of cell phones. I didn’t know he had a gun!”

This, it makes me like mice
This, it makes me like mice (well, they are better than this)

We were two white moms witnessing the horrors of the #BlackLivesMatter movement. The fear and the tension for everyone outside, painfully clear. The detectives started to pressure, to criminalize the girlfriend, who lives two flights below. The police wanted to take her in, didn’t trust her innocence in the events. The Mrs., she ran down 3 flights of steps to tell the detectives, “She’s telling you the truth! I was there, with my dog. Everything she said is what happened.”

The cops took the young, bloodied woman to the station. Her mother said to her, “Go along. We don’t want any trouble here.” The woman walked confidently to the car. The grandmother stayed home with the 9-year-old granddaughter, a witness to too much too soon, and perhaps too often.

The remaining cops and detectives placed yellow police tape around the area in question. The pool of blood shimmered in the night. The evidence bags came out, the flashlights. The Mrs. and me sat on the sofa, holding each other, crying. We were so grateful our girls slept through it all. We talked about what happened. Were we safe living here? What about the kinder (children)? Moving forward, we will refer to this horrible event as ‘pasta salad’ because Little and Big are too damned smart for their own good, figuring out everything we talk about in front of them. Listening only when we don’t want them to.

The next day, the Mrs., she ran in to the family, three generations of black women. They hugged her. They told her they loved her and that she really saved them that night. The daughter was released from the police safely, without incident. They said they let her go because the Mrs., she vouched for her.

We can only surmise how the gunshot transpired. Said boyfriend called moments before arriving to tell his girlfriend he was picking her up. Somewhere in the two minutes between, “I’m coming to get you” and pulling into the lot, he was shot. With no visible distress to the vehicle, he quite possibly, accidentally shot himself in the groin as he removed the gun from his pants before he picked up his girlfriend. He very likely shot his own nuts private parts off and ditched the gun along the way.

A few things I do know:

  1. #BlackLivesMatter
  2. Black people are and have been deprived of basic human rights and dignity in our country and it’s got to stop
  3. I despise guns
  4. My kids do not know about this event at the Manor, so please refer to this as ‘pasta salad’ if you discuss it in front of your kids, their friends
  5. My kinder, they know #BlackLivesMatter

This has got to stop.

A bei gezunt (we should all live and be well) together.

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What are the Teachable Moments on Zoo’s and Animals in Captivity

Big and Little, at the Philadelphia Zoo, a few years back
Big and Little, at the Philadelphia Zoo, a few years back

We are all talking about it, the tragedy, a real shonda (shame), that happened this week at the Cincinnati Zoo.

  • The world lost Harambe, a western lowland silverback gorilla, critically endangered
  • A crowd of people witnessed a horrific killing
  • The zoo is feeling the heat of anger for their decision, the loss of a dear friend, and a meaningful failure in conservancy of this species
  • A little boy hopefully learned from a very painful lesson
  • and a Mother is being vilified around the world

Many witnesses at the scene say that the beautiful silverback gorilla was acting in a protective manner. Actually protecting the curious boychik (boy toddler) who climbed over and through barriers to fall 10 feet into the den of Harambe.

Harambe, he held the boys hand as the crowd screamed in fear, panicked at the situation. Harambe helped the boy pull his pants up…

Who knows? Nu? But as a mom, a parent, a caregiver, we have all had that fleeting flash of time, where we have lost sight of our kinder (kid(s)), when our hearts beat loudly in our chests, and our throats could barely swallow. Thankfully, kaynahorah (the evil eye was not with us) our outcomes were different. Relief delightedly poured over us at the safe sighting, of our wee ones.

This mom is no different from is. She had that same split second stint in time.  But hers resulted in a tragic, global loss. A farshtunken (stinky, smelly, awful) outcome, no matter how you see this.

At our home, me and the Mrs., and Little and Big had a conversation about the zoo event during dinner. Big was visually disturbed. She hid her face with her hands. Screamed, “No! Why?”

Little, a real animal whisperer she is, was pensive, quiet. Then, she spoke. I asked her again to repeat it the next morning:

Some things we talked about further:

  • Zoo animals are not pets, nor are they tame in any way
  • Some view zoos as wonderful institutions of conservancy and propagation of endangered species
  • Some view zoos like “Black Fish”

Either way, whatever your point of view, talk to the kinder (children). Hear their views. Share yours. Reinforce the importance of:

  • Listening ears
  • Mommy’s (enter appropriate caregiver title here) always have your best interest at heart
  • We need to be gentle, tender stewards of this planet we live on

We will miss you terribly Harambe. We all tear a cloth in your honor. I know here in our house, we hope that conservancy work continues. That this beautiful creature that was Harambe, has a legacy.

And for this momma, who is now broken and battered, we wish you some peace and clarity from a crushing visit to the zoo.

A bei gesunt (We should all live and be well).

 

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Did you really just text me a zinger like that?

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Shush! Therapy is in session. Phones off.

Kvetch (rant) week 16: Texting has gotta stop!

Okay, it has to be done. I’ve seen too much collateral damage, both on the side of the road in a puddle of blood, and on the sofa cushions, in a puddle of tears.  Texting is not a form of good communication. I’m as techy as the next mom, maybe more so. But, hear me loud and clear. We are allowing our superior opposable thumbs to:

  1. Slowly and surely slash social human interaction
  2. Cause senseless arguments and misinterpretations
  3. Choke our savings in data plans that feel like extortion

Why you ask? Nuance. In a text you cannot look the person in the eyes, hear the tone of their voice, respond to their body language or sense their emotional state. Emoji’s, while cute, cannot replace the shades and degrees that make up real conversations.

PLEASE PICK UP THE PHONE IF:

  • Your text is more than 2 short sentences, such as, “Running late. Be home soon.” If the reader has to scroll endlessly to read your message, and then respond with texting that is twice as long, this is mishegas (crazy making).
  • You need to convey something shocking or impolite, “I’m divorcing you and I’m keeping the house. How was your day?” C’mon. Unless you are really a draycup (one with your head not on straight), think this through.
  • You have emotional news to share, like, “Your father, he’s just fine. He only tried to kill himself.” This Yiddisher momma loves sarcasm as much as you, but nice, not so much. This kind of text can trigger a battle of the thumbs that will rival the Dueling Banjos from Deliverance. And Carpal-Thumbal is soon to be the next medical malady.
  • You may come off a bissel (a tad bit) begrudging, “You did what? And that birthday Rolex will feed your kids how?” You may be thinking, wow, I was damned clever there…but at what price?
  • You may create a monster of a misunderstanding; “You haven’t spoken to me in three years and you want I should drop everything now and take you to the airport!” Don’t text today like nothing was wrong yesterday. Or more profoundly put, “Don’t pee on my foot and tell me it’s raining.”

DRIVING WHILE IN-TEXT-ICATED:

Every day, we mitigate hundreds of risks with the decisions and choices we make throughout the course of our days. And still, we magically (or luckily) make it home for dinner. Kaynehorrah (said to ward off the evil eye)! 1.6 million-car accidents occur each year due to the dilemma that is texting and driving. This number, it is growing. And it is taking our kinder (children) with it. Teens are the biggest culprits. And whom did they learn this behavior from? I’m just saying. Put the phone down. Be a role model. Listen to NPR or Spotify. Be present.

Distracted walking is now even cause for concern. People are texting while walking and getting hit by cars, run over by trains, and are generally more in danger than those of us present. Who is such a macher (big cheese, boss) they cannot walk without the thumbs poised to shoot?

Me, I have a strict rule in the car. I will not text and drive for three major reasons: The Mrs., Big, and Little.

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And because I’m curious, when I do hear that electronic fart telling me I have a text waiting, don’t you know I hit every green light until I reach my final destination. No joke! Keep ‘em coming. I’ll be punctual and arrive alive.

A bei gezunt. (We should all live and be well).

Can you give it up? Tell me about it, won’t you?

 

 

 

 

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Bloggers Pit Stop #23 Mwah Ladies!
Bloggers Pit Stop #23
Mwah Ladies!

Guaranteed: The Greatest Gifts on Mother’s Day!

 

My mishpucheh (family)
My mishpucheh (family)

Just look at them. My shana madelahs (sweet little girls) and our new addition, a boychik (little boy) with a real puppy dog tail!

  • Remarkable
  • Genuine
  • Loving
  • Refundable? No way!
  • Miraculous
  • Amazing
  • Awe-inspiring
  • Kvetchy (Hanging on, and about to go boneless): They sometimes hock mier en chinikeh (Bang on my tea kettle!)
  • Imaginative
  • Creative
  • Beautiful (inside and out)
  • Affordable, feh
  • Special, oh so special
  • LOUD! It’s the emmes (I swear) truth. We should only not get evicted…
  • Practical? Not so much
  • Thoughtful
  • Courageous
  • Curious
  • DEAF: Disability that only occurs when the momma’s are talking. It’s a shonda (shame)
  • Smart
  • Rewarding
  • Mighty
  • Priceless
Big and Little
Big and Little

The Mrs. and Me, at times we are yelling, but we are mostly just kvelling (oozing with love and joy). And by mostly, I mean – well, you know!

A very Happy Mother’s Day to the Mrs. (I love you so) and to all you momma’s and caretakers out there. It is quite easily the hardest, yet most rewarding job to undertake.

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Is catastrophe the new us? I’m for a better truth!

Don't my shana madaleh's deserve a better place, a safer place?
Don’t my shana madaleh’s (little girls) deserve a better place, a safer place?

Yes, I’m ranting. Why have we lowered the bar on civility?

Does it really matter where one pees? This Yiddisher momma will tell you that in the many times nature has called when I have been out and about, and the line at W went around the corner, I walked into the empty M without causing an international threat to gender. And haven’t all Euro-pee-ans been sharing a WC without worry for, well, ever?

And should whether one pees standing up or sitting down really dictate the gender pay gap?

If November 8th declares a victory for Hillary, will she only receive $316,000 per year / $0.79 per dollar of all her male predecessors?

Why do so many people care only for the unborn child while in utero, and not give a flying fu, well hoot, once the kid has left its amniotic apartment?

Why so much racism, hate, injustice and senseless violence?

#Black Lives Matter
#Black Lives Matter

How is Monsanto allowed to devastate our food system and spoon feed us garbage and chemicals? Don’t they deserve a squirt or two of RoundUp?

Fracking is the new F-word in the world of fossil fuels, foreign oil, future and further damage to water, health, our environment, and the planet. Pope, can you pipe in here please?

Climate change is real. Even the Pope, head macher (big deal, boss man) of the Catholic Church, says human beings are the cause of this major catastrophe. Why can’t the ‘collective we,’ countries and corporations, that share this planet all own that progress and evolution does not always make for a revolution.

#Climate Matters
#Climate Matters

With the bar so low, can we ever raise it again? How long will it take? I worry about all of our kinder (children) growing up in a world so careless, unkind, racist, bigoted and focused on the wrong green.

Oy vey doesn’t even begin to cover this shpilkas (intestinal terror!) folks.

Please, I am open to suggestions. Wallet activism and voting alone won’t change where we are headed.

We need a mindset shift, Yes? Any ideas? I’m askin’ from my heart.

Nu?

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Mother’s Day: A new lifetime of uncompromising love

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With Mother’s Day right ‘round the corner

Looking back, I was quite the performer

Be perfect, keep smiling

Underneath I am dying

It’s a wonder I made it out stronger

 

Look Mommy, Ema!
Look Mommy, Ema!

Growing up with maternal unwell-ness

And he who’d simply abide and acquiesce

While worthy of love

I fell under the thumb of

The source of my own hell and unique stress

 

Mental illness is still quite the conundrum

With stigma, best we steer clear away from

Listen up dear ol’ Dad

‘Cause it makes me so mad

For her life deserved a happier outcome

 

As the one tossed out underneath the bus

There’s a matter we all should discuss

A pill could have fixed it

He instead nixed it

And I am the one they mistrust?

Look. I'm a tree!
Look. I’m a tree!

 

Well the Mrs. and Me, don’t dare parent like thee

For we’re building foundations as strong as the trees

Mighty girls we are rearing

Whose personae we’re cheering

Love and happiness are what we foresee

 

As I look at our kinder each day

I’m kvelling in every which way

Prouder? I couldn’t be

That’s fact, actuality

Nothing could possibly take that away

 

Dear Little and Big, always realize

The love from your momma’s only magnifies

It will never, ever leave you

No matter what you may say or do

For you both make our hearts, super-sized

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P.S.

Little and Big, please make bedtime go smoothly

Your mommalah’s can’t stand each night, you’re acting so rudely!

The crazies, please end them

We’re tired of bedlam

And yes, we still love you both, hugely

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Wishing all the Momma’s and kinder-caretakers a very Happy Mother’s Day!

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Thank You so much Su, from EthanEvelyn.com! #FabFridayPost

 

Bloggers Pit Stop #22
Proud to be at the Bloggers Pit Stop #22
TY domesticatedmomster!
TY domesticatedmomster!

Rant, Shmant: Zika virus?

 

This is one scary bug!
           

Shhhhh. feeling extremely out of control… Vampires bites! Week 14 

Is it just me? Or are you worried about the Zika virus? Forget the election and the fate of our country. This little bugger might just trump Trump, in the world of threats? According to health officials at the CDC, these newly armed and mighty mosquitos are like teeny, tiny-terrorists, swarming our way, and outfitted in the latest ISIS style death-vests, ready to attack with a bite, leaving behind a trail of neurologic cooties. Can’t go outside because they can form and reproduce in a drop of water. Can’t stay inside, because unlike other mosquito members, they like it indoors.

At first, level red alerts were only for those with child and trying for ‘with child’ status, due to the link to abysmal birth defects. As if that wasn’t bad enough! Now, ‘they’ say, all of us are in danger. Fevers, rashes, joint pain, fatigue and um, some rare autoimmune and neurological disorders that could attack our brains and spinal chords.

And, as warmer weather is on the way, vacations begin and people from Zika prone countries will cross-pollinate. We now know, the vampire bite is no longer the only way to spread said sickness. Actually shtupping (having sex with an infected male) can do it too. Lucky for this two-momma household, we at least have lesbianism going for us. Oy vey!

So, I headed over to the CDC web site and take a look-see under PREVENTION. Mark my words, this is what it said: No vaccine exists. Prevent Zika by avoiding mosquito bites. Genius!

I don’t know about you, but the Mrs., Little, Big and me are like mosquito magnets. The freckles on our skin must say, “All you can Eat,” in mosquito. We use the stuff that costs and arm and a leg from WF to protect from bug bites. No way my shana madelahs (little girls) are going to get slathered in DEET. Even the EPA, the bastion of protection, says that this stuff is so poisonous, if you do use it, wash it off immediately when you come inside, don’t breathe around it (how does this work, when you shmear it on like cream cheese on a bagel?), and don’t spray directly on your face. These machers (big shots) also suggest, wait for it, staying indoors from dawn to dusk. This, they earn salaries for?

I’m no doctor (a Yiddisher Momma, yes, and I watched a lot of House), but DEET kills things. Probably a lot more things than just vampire mosquitos!

Well that’s it for my kvetching (complaining). What on earth are you going to do about this mosquito issue with your families?

 

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Bloggers Pit Stop #20
Bloggers Pit Stop #20

Rant, Shmant…Well maybe this week, it’s a lament

The Tooth Fairies find us at the Manor
The Tooth Fairies find us at the Manor

Shhhhhh: therapy game is ON: Week 12

For the past several weeks/months, Big has had a very sleepy, jiggly, wiggly loose front baby tooth. Keep in mind, she is 8, and has only lost two teeny teeth (the lower front biters) to date. Big, just like the Mrs., is very sensitive. I have joked, “Big will need crutches before this tooth untethers!” Eating has become fascinating. All foods must be cut narrow and thin, to slide in on the right side, so as not to aggravate or exacerbate said upper left tooth. My shana madelah (beautiful little girl) was tolerating little cuts to her right cheek, trying desperately not to let anything come anywhere near the incapacitated dental vicinity.

Well, while on our family spring break, Little somehow gives Big some kind of unexpected zetz (a George Foreman like punch) in maxillary central…and don’t you know, both front baby incisors were now flapping in the wind like laundry on a clothesline. Oh the tears. Little and remorse? Not so much. We were all ferhklempt (choked with emotion).

So what do we do? Like all good Jews, we nosh (eat a little something). A few scoops of ice cream later, she was back and ready for vacation action.

Fast-forward a few days, add another zetz (from you know who), and Big comes begging me to end her toothy tsuris (troubles).

“Mommy, Mommy, please! Just pull them out! I can’t take it anymore!” I cupped her sad, teary face and said to my bubelah (sweet heart), “Honey, are you sure?”

“Yes! Please! Just do it!”

And without even a tug, with barely a touch, her two front teeth fell gently into my hands. I hugged her, we all cheered and kvelled (oozed with pride) over her bravery. A regular Merida, she was. This simcha (joyous day) will bring the much-anticipated tooth fairy here, to the Manor!

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And as I welled up with pride, and looked through the tunnel, now fully opened in her newly formed smile, I winced with a venti-sized dose of shpilkas (anxiety/pins and needles). My Big, our first bubelah (sweet little girl), she is growing up.

Wasn’t it just ten minutes ago when she was born?

And there in lies my lament.

 

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Pass the Sauce #AgentSpitback #Linky Party 4-12-16
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Bloggers Pit Stop #18
#BloggersPitStop #18   4-8-16

Rant, shmant…Cell Phones. WTF? Week 11

As you see, the parents are not paying attention to the kinder (child)
As you see, the parents are not paying attention to the kinder (child)

 

Cell phone courtesy: Please turn ‘em off – therapy is in session

Answer: 60 to 125 times a day

Question: On average, how many times do we check our cell phones each day?

So, I ask you, are you average, above average? Stellar perhaps? Just how tethered are you? Can you give it up? Would you? I have to admit, mine goes everywhere with me. Apple had me at, “iHello.” And to be honest (we are in therapy after all) the phone is my least favorite feature. It’s that dreamy camera—the ability to capture my kinder (kids) in every escapade imaginable. Kodak moments? Not so much (who prints when we can swipe?). Between the Mrs. and me, we record every waking moment of our lives with Little and Big. Second children no longer have to grow up unnoticed (and needing therapy); Little is in just as many pictures as Big.

please watch this short video…my mishpocheh (family) in action. That Kenny, he’s got the making of a star! Nu? Thank you to my nephew, Max-a-lah,  for making such a video!

What on earth did we all talk about before everyone on the planet got a smart phone? I vaguely recall long, lovely, limitless, uninterrupted time to myself. I walked the dogs (furry first children) and was totally one with them in nature. I could run to the store and pick up a script without a care. I actually peed without bringing a phone in the bathroom. The Mrs. and I, we schmoozed (chatted) about everything, snuggling on the sofa watching Olivia Benson kicking some major butt!

There were no electronic farts, noises, beeps, or music telling me about a new email, a tweet, a status update, a news alert, or a lightening strike within my immediate proximity. I was not instantaneously answerable to anyone. I think I was still okay? I managed to meet with friends and family and not call if someone was 10 seconds late (of course, I’m Jewish, so I imagined them dead by the curb, or on a respirator in the hospital, but which hospital? Oy). I knew how to dress for the weather because I walked out the front door to check. I was up to date on the news and current events; I definitely held my own during many a ‘water cooler’ conversation. My landline rang and I let the answering machine get it. Yes, I was a proud screener.

I’m positive we talked more before smart phones. I used to take time out of my day to write letters and send cards to people for special occasions. Now, I can text or instant message birthday wishes, Mazel Tov’s or even my deepest sympathies. Why even say how I feel? There is an amazing array of emoticons for every expression. Feelings? Feh!

Oh Siri, how I love and hate you so… Like Google on crack, so many answers you have? This techno age is meshuggeneh (crazy). Being connected is so easy, yet I look around at restaurants, on the train, even walking, and everyone is looking at his or her phones. Talking to each other? Not so much.

Was life better before? Is life better now? I don’t know. I do know life is faster now. Yet, somehow, it’s a lot easier to feel disconnected, being so connected. It’s a shonda (a shame). WTF?

 

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Rant, shmant…what to do about litter? Week 10

It's not like there is another planet we can go to
It’s not like there is another planet we can go to

Shhhhhh. She’s in therapy again. Help her.

Today at lunch I walked around and could not believe the dreck (crap, trash) I found

Just a little jaunt to breathe fresh air; feel the sun on my back and the wind in my hair

For spring had landed in Philadelphia – I wanted to stroll; feel a bit healthia’

The neighborhood, a very desirable place, had so much trash, it was a disgrace

I won’t belabor or beat this dead horse; rather let me show you as a matter of course:

whoever did this, shlepped (carried) it along lonng enough to drink it all
Shlepped (carried) it along long enough to drink it all, you nogoodnik!
You mean you can add littering to your bad choices?
Wonderful, add littering to your bad choices!
Recycling, not much?
Recycling, not so much. Kish mir en tuchis (kiss my ass butt)!
Sucha big macher (big shot) you are, Mr. Cigar. Such chazzerai (garbage, pig slop)
Such a big macher (big shot) you are, Mr. Cigar. Tidy, you are not.
May all your teeth fall out, except one, so that you can have a toothache.
Such schmutzik (filth) everywhere?
First, you eat bread made from yoga mats, now you do this? Feh!
Eat bread made from yoga mats, then you litter? Feh!
A shonda (shame) to toss a childs toy aside
A shonda (shame) to toss a toy aside, like chazzerai (pig slop)

Such a mess, this is tantamount to; people, I gotta’ ask? Who raised you?

Please all you folks who live out there, teach der kinder (the kids) well, make them aware.

 

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The Two Squabbling Shvesters (Sisters)

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Once upon a time, you see

Lived two little madelahs (girls), the Mrs. and me.

Little and Big would play all the day

The time would pass, just whittle away.

They’d laugh and they’d giggle, they’d and sing and they’d dance

Fight? Not them! There isn’t a chance.

The Mrs. and me would smile with pride

as Little and Big played side by side.

 

Time would pass, as time will do

And every day befell a hullaballoo.

Breathing deeply, calmly, our patience tried

How did Little and Big turn into Jekyll and Hyde?

They’d start off smiling, so sweet and so kind.

From there, their behaviors only declined.

Their voices would raise, they shrieked and they whined.

The Mrs. and me had no peace of mind.

 

Such tsuris (trouble) would arise; out went all delight.

These shvesters (sisters) would bicker, squabble and fight.

One would be crying, the other would scream.

What happened to our dear little family dream?

The Mrs. would lose it, and me, sure to follow

It was fisticuffs, just like Rocky vs. Apollo.

What transpired, so unpleasant, unfriendly and loud

Our own Manor version of a ‘mushroom cloud.’

 

So we breathed and exhaled, and tried hard not to yell.

But this bickering, snickering was feeling like hell!

Another approach was required post-haste

Or our neighbors would see that we’d soon be displaced.

We tried essential oils shmeared (spread) ‘cross their toes

In hopes the sniffer approach would reach up to their nose.

We begged Little and Big to cease and desist

We cried, we waxed on, we all hugged and we kissed.

der kinder, our shana madelahs
der kinder, our shana madelahs

Shvesters (sisters) look after each other; the drama must end!

No more combat or brawling, you should be best friends.

Your two mommas want you to have a great love and connection

Instead, might we have to hire you each some protection?

Feeling tired and raw, our parental flaws all exposed

This mishegas (craziness) somehow must get juxtaposed?

Surely our love will surpass this wild frustration

and der kinder (the kids) will reach a warm-hearted elation!

 

The Mrs. and me, growing tired and weary

know that life must go on, it can’t stay so dreary.

After all, most of the time they are trying their best

Surely us mommas won’t yet get depressed.

So today when I wake them for their day to begin

I’m hopeful and gleeful, I mustn’t chagrin.

For life with our girls will have tears, fill some oceans.

Buckle up, sit back, it’s a rollercoaster of emotions.

 

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Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now!

Eyes, don’t deceive me now… Sometimes, you just have to wonder. Like for instance, when I was walking around on my lunch break, and came across this vision:

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Either things are really progressing when it comes to dog-walking, or people are really digressing in terms of dealing with nature calling. Color me silly, but I fear the latter.

So, I tried to think about what other passers-by might have thought as they meandered across this less than idyllic scene. Please, as you read these next lines, conjure up the voice of an alte kocker (an old Jewish man or woman) for effect.

I should stop here a sec before we get to their house.” -translation: If you would have stopped along the way, like I begged you to, I wouldn’t have to pee in this nogoodnik’s (one with low morals) outdoor mess.

I should stop here a sec before we get to their house.” -translation: Oy, a balebustah (homemaker) she is not. Better I should go here, it’s probably cleaner.

“I should stop here a sec before we get to their house.” -translation: What, you think there is something wrong with that? I could brech (vomit) from the thought of eating her food. 

“I should stop here a sec before we get to their house.” -translation: Look at this drek (crap). What kind of neighborhood is this anyway?

“I should stop here a sec before we get to their house.” -translation: What? If you had a prostate you would understand! Mittendrinen (in the middle of everything), this is a mitzvah (good deed).

What? No toilet paper? A shanda (it’s a shame).

 

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