Parents: in two limericks

Rise above!
Rise above!
There once was a parent who swept
Everything under the rug that he kept
He turned eighty one day
Didn’t like me my way
And that caused emotional debt


Swept away
Swept away
There was another parent, you see
Her issues much bigger than me
The sweeper kept sweeping
The debts they kept creeping
If you ask me, an exorbitant fee


No schmaltz. No spiel. Just the way it is.
Be authentic. Live and realize your true path, because it is yours.





Twas the night before day
and all through the flat
the creatures were stirring,
we may need a cat

In morn found a mouse
that met with grim reaper
my love is fahrklempt
the Littles falling deeper

I said, call the Manor
to handle this scene!
They schlepped it away,
set another, we’re clean

By day there were challenges
met with delight
surely nothing as dreadful
as in the past night

The narrative went,
Lice or Mice, which is best?
My heart sank so deep
so sullen my chest

We noshed on our supper
we cleaned up the mess
what came next was bedlam
and chaos and stress

At night we don’t wind down
or find peace and calm
Littles dance, play and sing
oy gevalt, like a bomb

Pipe down, we need quiet time
Not shpilkes nor grief
Mommy and Ema require
needed relief

Ema informed me by text
’bout mouse lying in state
in the closet, over yonder,
this can’t be my fate

Drastic measures were needed
for it was after hours
My kishka’s a flutter
I summoned my powers

Super Mommy was needed
to perform the last rite
Dead vermin most certainly
cannot stay the night

As Ema combed heads
in search of the louse,
I tended to dearly departed
dead mouse

With bags two times thick
from elbow to fingers
I must move like a maven
‘fore smell of death lingers

I managed to handle
the worst task yet to date
The kids none the wiser,
pure joy for my mate

Now Santa may wonder why
I write in this verse
This Yid wants a favor
To be rid of this curse

I believe in your magic
I hear your bells ring
Surely Saint Nick can
do us one thing

What we ask costs no money
And it need not be wrapped
Just help with the tsuris
the stress and the crap

We’re tired dear Santa
Our lot has been trying
We lost both our boys,
the house, we’ve been crying

And still we march on
cup half filled with cheer
in hope that the future
is bright and is near

So please Mr. Claus
when you visit our house
please help us loyzem gayne 
this fucking mouse!

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Fitted sheets and other things

I can fold laundry really, really well. If it were an olympic event, I would definitely medal. But the fitted sheet has baffled me since my first encounter. For the entire portion of my adult life, I have solved for this dilemma simply by owning only one fitted sheet at a time. That way, as soon as this one sheet was washed, dried and fluffed, it made it’s way back safely to the bed, still warm.

My perfect scenario quickly became the perfect storm a few months ago when my in-laws purchased a new bed. Suddenly, their luxuriously high cotton count sheets-sets no longer fit on their brand new, high-tech adjustable, sleep number, side-by-side king. Beautiful, nearly new, solid colors of satiny, silky splendor were waiting in the wings to replace our one, sad gray fitted sheet. They did feel so nice.

It was exciting and frightening all at once. I thought maybe, just maybe that I was going to be able to manage the necessary ‘sheet-Origami’ that must take place in order to arrange this giant king size beauty into the small rectangular shape that would fit in a drawer-because now, I’m a mom. I have a 6 ½ year old and a nearly 4-year-old.

I have realized other superhero like talents with this title. Like knowing when my girls have a fever with the touch of my hand on their forehead. I can bring tears and screams to halting silence with the kiss of a boo-boo (and a Barbie band-aid chaser). I can find the missing item in the refrigerator, every time. And yes, I can even change the roll of toilet paper when its empty, while seated on said toilet and on my cell (mute). Surely my mommy-hood brilliance will shine in the sheet department too.

Nope. And the other mommy, my loving partner, can’t do it either. Thanks Martha Stewart from 2011.

Video credit: YouTube via Martha Stewart

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